Clomid!

So today we went to Dr. Steingold's office for a look at my good old uter(us).
{"...but Marge, it's uterUS, not uterYOU!"}

Things are good. I congratulated my ovaries and my uterus for looking like they were supposed to at this part of my cycle. Out loud. In front of Dr. Steingold and Rob. Because I want them to feel the love and sometimes I don't think the three of us (me, my uterus, and my ovaries) communicate very well. ;)

I get to start Clomid again tonight (!!!!). Rob will do a sperm count next week, and then I'll do another ultrasound with a post-coital test when I hopefully ovulate around day 19. We're going to hope and pray that there are LOTS OF COMMANDOS this month and we don't have to do IUI. But we'll see. I guess if we conceived that way our kid would be less creeped out when he asks how babies are made. {"You see, Junior, when a husband and wife love each other very much, the wife takes lots of pills, and the doctor takes a turkey baster...")

It was actually a pretty fun visit with Dr. Steingold. There was joking and smiling instead of SarahTryingNotToCry. I love counseling. Dr. S joked that "Well, you're in your 20's. We still have THIRTEEN YEARS to get you pregnant!" When I reminded him that I'm in my late 20's, he said, "Well, you ARE being very stingy with those eggs!"

So there's time. Our friend's kids might be in high school before we get pregnant... but one day.

Good Morning Sunshine...

I had a crazy dream last night. Crazy. Like... wake up panicking: "OHCRAP, DID THAT REALLY HAPPEN???"

First to catch you up on my non-Ovulation Adventure this month... this was another month in the waiting game for sperm production... so no Clomid, no ovulation tests, no "trying". And for whatever reason, I bled for 20 out of 26 days this month. So since the urologist thinks Rob's commandos will be back in action in early March, now would be a good time to get back on Clomid and finally shoo Aunt Flo away. However, since I've had wimpy bleeding all month, we need to do an ultrasound today to see if my uterine lining is in the right stage to start Clomid.

Last night I drempt that I was going in for an endometrial (uterine lining) ablation to stop the bleeding. This cardiologist who was going to do the procedure, assured me that this would improve my fertility. So he had me inhale some methadone (??) to make me loopy and then told me to change into my patient apparel. Well. While loopy on methadone I decided that I was hungry. So I sneaked out of the hospital and drove myself to McDonalds in a thin hospital gown and pants. While ordering, I encountered several blog friends (whom I've never met in real life) and they were going to undergo the same procedure! We all went back to the hospital to wait for our turn, but while waiting some of the methadone wore off and I foggily realized... YOU CAN'T GET PREGNANT AFTER AN ENDOMETRIAL ABLATION!! I ran up to the billing/front desk lady and frantically asked to be let out of the procedure... but they said no.. I'd already paid for it and I was too loopy on methodone to make any medical decisions, so I had to do it. Ahhh!

Fortunately, I woke up before anything happened to my who-ha or it's friends. Maybe I should call Dr. Steingold's office to make sure no one's going to fry my uterine lining today? ;)

Method to the Madness

So there's probably (hopefully) not a good cosmic reason why we haven't gotten pregnant. I don't think there's a reason why God would see me unfit for motherhood. But two more of my (responsible and, in my eyes, deserving) friends have been blessed this month with two pretty pink lines on their pee sticks, which always gets me a little selfishly teary (just a little). Hopefully God is not keeping a tally of the number of times my heart has asked, "WHY NOT ME??" (and hopefully I'm asking for forgiveness enough to keep up). I need to start running with the post-menopausal crowd.

But to look on the bright side, Rob and I compiled a list of good things that have come with our infertility adventures:

1) We discovered that my work pays in full for my & my family's medical insurance. Though a misunderstanding at my hire date, the medical insurance offered by Rob's company looked cheaper on paper, so we had been paying for that for 2 years. When Rob was "resigned" and I looked deeper into my company's medical insurance plan, we discovered the happy news. Now when we do have small children running around, insuring them won't break the bank. "Free" is always better.

2) I forgot my (pregnancy category C... but necessary if you can't breathe) asthma medicine when we went to Philadelphia and have been off of it for two weeks now with no problems! But I'm keeping note of my peak flows twice a day... don't worry, Mom!

3) I went to counseling and now have MUCH better control of my emotions & thought processes.

4) Since Rob was "resigned", we now know beyond a doubt that we CAN survive quite happily on my income alone. Our quality of life has improved dramatically. We feel more happy and calm than we have, well... ever.

5) Our house gets prettier with each pregnancy announcement: The board & batten in the dining room, the yellow hall, and the paint in the office were each spurred by other people's pregnancies. If I'm obsessed with my nest, it's probably because someone else is knocked up. ;)

So... any post-menopausal ladies out there in need of a friend? I'm all yours! ;)

A Collection of Good Quotes

I've been mentally collecting these for a while now.
Sometimes good advice can even come from a gangster movie: 

Don't wait for it to happen, don't even want it to happen - just watch what does happen.

Sean Connery, The Untouchables

God is our refuge and strength, and ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea

Psalm 46:1-2 (thank you, longbrakeliving)

"Perseverance is a great element of success. If you knock long enough and loud enough at the gate, you are sure to wake up somebody."
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, 

the Courage to change the things I can, 

and the Wisdom to know the difference.
Amen

"Even miracles take a little time..."

The Fairy Godmother, Cinderella

Foster Care Commercial

Have you heard those foster care commercials on the radio?

Oh

My...

I know I'm a baby-crazed, hormonally challenged woman who'd give her right arm to make a baby and I'M who they're targeting... but those damn commercials ...! 

On Monday morning, as I'm driving to work on top of snow and ice and trying not to die and praying not to crash into a ditch... that stupid commercial came on the radio (again!). And I'm driving across the Huguenot Bridge which is barely two lanes to begin with and then you add all that snow on the side of the road so it leads me to wonder if there actually IS enough room on the bridge for me + opposing traffic + snow-berms.

And I CERTAINLY am not going to take both hands off the wheel or both eyes off the road to change the channel. So I listen to the VERY SMARTLY WRITTEN commercial while trying not to die... and I totally start to tear up. WHILE DRIVING ACROSS THE BRIDGE. Really, Sarah. Maybe you should not have the radio on (even quietly) in this situation next time. Maybe you should just not turn the radio on until all the foster care children are adopted. Or MAYBE the RADIO STATION should not play the foster care commercial in icy conditions!! I should call them and complain. ;)

Those mean old advertising execs have me pinned from all corners with these children and their sad little voices about how of course:

a) now is the right time!

b) GOD wants me to do this!

c) You have plenty of money & space & love!

Ok. Seriously, God? You can't just let me attempt to use my own genes in peace? I'm going to ignore this and those sneaky little radio commercials for now. I'm acknowledging the hint, and I'm going to continue beating my head against the Clomid wall. Maybe you should have the foster care people do another barrage of commercials in the fall if 6 months of Clomid leads to no babies...