spotting

So oh well.
But that was a hell of a luteal phase, so I guess that's good.

15 dpo: Rebel Patient

So. Still no period. Still no second pink line. Still ouchy boobs.
So. I called Dr. Steingold's office to see what to do and to gently suggest that we test my blood so my husband and I can stop going crazy.
And the nurse said "No. Just wait one week and then if you still don't have your period, pee on another stick."

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!?!? WAIT ANOTHER WEEK??? ARE YOU INSANE???

But she wouldn't budge. So I did what any rational person with a medical degree would do. I ordered my own damn blood test! I had it drawn at work, and I'll find out tomorrow whether or not we have a zygote.
TOMORROW is better than NEXT WEEK.

And so I prayed, "Dear God... if I'm going to get my period could you please hurry up and give it to me so I'll know what to expect tomorrow? I know you're busy and all... but I'd really appreciate it. Love you. Amen."

The Real Deal: Still Negative

So I think we're just waiting around for my period to show up. Thanks for all the enthusiasm and support though. Love you guys.

14 dpo... still nothing

Rob thinks the cheapo ebay "100 pregnancy tests for $20" that I bought last year are crap and we have to go buy "real pregnancy tests that don't have Chinese text on them" today. My period started on day 14 once... a long time ago, so I'm trying not to get overly enthusiastic. However, my inbox was full of enthusiastic email from friends and family (and family who are friends) this morning, so maybe we do need "real" pregnancy tests.

First I need new glasses so I don't have to hold my face 5 inches from the computer screen while typing. ;)

The crazy is catching...

I had a very busy day at work today and wasn't able to call home the 2-3 times that I usually do. {I'm needy like that.} Busy days have been few and far between lately. Maybe we should stop vaccinating people so our family practice would see more patients. ;)

I finally looked at my cell phone around 3 pm, and got a surprisingly anxious message from Rob, "Um... so I haven't heard from you today and that hardly ever happens... so... anyways... just wanted to check in... guess you must be having a busy day... um... ok... loveyoubye!" I then had to run off to see a patient, so I didn't call back. He's not a worrier, I figured he'd be ok.

Or so I thought... I called on my way home at 5, and a totally stressed-out Rob answered the phone...

Rob: ARE YOU OK????
Sarah: Um. Yeah... just a busy day, are you ok?
Rob: Well... I got all worried that maybe I hadn't heard from you because you got your period and were all depressed. And then I got all crazy and thought, well maybe you took a pregnancy test at work... and maybe it was positive and you didn't want to tell me over the phone...

{(??? {I don't take those things to work! Has my husband lost it?} ???}

...and then I couldn't remember if I said that you had to tell me immediately over the phone or in person if you got a positive test when I wasn't there... and... well... {sigh}
Sarah: {Laughing hysterically} Babe, I'm ok. No period. No pregnancy tests. Calm down.

I love that my normally uber-rational husband caught the crazy.
Watch out! Don't follow this blog too closely! You might catch it too!
{They don't have vaccinations for that}

13 dpo: reporting from the trenches

13 days past ovulation and I'm reporting... that I have nothing to report. Which is good! Sort of. Except that I'm overhydrating at work so I can go pee every hour and make sure that my period hasn't arrived.

No second line on the morning pregnancy tests. Not even if I squint at the stick while holding it 5 millimeters from my eyeballs. ;)

My boobs kind of hurt (you wanted to know that). But I think my boobs always kind of hurt around this time of the month. I'm writing this down for posterity. So if we have to try again next month I will know.
SARAH: YOUR BOOBS ALWAYS KIND OF HURT AROUND 12 DPO.

I had terrible, miserable reflux yesterday. But I think that was the barbecue chicken at lunch. It was kind of gross.

I was kind of (really) crazy last weekend. Like... my husband sent me to the grocery store for toothpicks because I was f-r-e-a-k-i-n-g out over the prosciutto purses we were making for a party and he knew he'd be much more effective if I wasn't hovering. (He was right.) However, I blame the crazy on the front door being an embarrassing shade of yellow and the weather guys lying to me for the entire weekend that it was going to rain. On Sunday I informed the internet weathermen that they sucked and painted anyways. I then felt much better.

So I usually get my period at work somewhere around day 12-14. Which, by the way, Uterus... is super mean of you. Because then the universe sends me some happy, gloating, glowing pregnant patient and I have to try really hard not to hate her. Note to self: Don't glow too much if you ever do get pregnant. Just because you're the only infertile person left in your social circles does not mean you're the only infertile person left on the planet.

Totally irrational but persistent worries.

Most of the time I ignore the worried infertility voices in my head, but they talk to me a lot.
Just this week, here are a few examples:

1) standing anywhere near the microwave (are my ovaries getting irradiated?)

2) drinking wine (1.5 glasses all month. Tonight. Because if something implanted it's already implanted by now.)

3) Consuming any type of caffeine: eating chocolate, my two sips of diet coke, craving that mocha

4) Taking any pill other than my prenatal vitamin

- benadryl/claritin: "I'm drowning in allergies, but will this dry up my cervical mucus?"

- ibuprofen: "My foot is inflamed from climbing ladders to paint, and I can't walk very well, 

but I think I read somewhere once that this may inhibit ovulation...yeah... not worth it." 

(I haven't taken ibuprofen in months)

5) Enjoying a heating pad on my feet while reading in bed, "Hey Rob, can  you Google whether or not it's ok to expose a potential blastocyst to this electromagnetic field? (Google says it is)"

6) The heated seats in my car: "My rear end is freezing... but if I'm not supposed to be in a hot tub, do heated seats count?"

All you need is love

About one year ago there were lots of bad emotions swirling around inside of me because of our inability to make a baby. I felt alone, hopeless, sad, broken, cheated, angry. I cried A LOT. I hated having to take pills  to ovulate and having to research, chart, and plan. I haaaated pregnant people, mothers who complained about their children, and I was angry with God.

And now, another year later... still no baby {that we know of, of course}, but I feel human again. Counseling, of course, helped. Having an awesomely supportive husband helped. But I'm so grateful that we live in a time when I can talk about this. I can't imagine going through this even just 30 years ago when no one discussed the pain and hurt of infertility. People tell me all the time that they wished they'd never told anyone they were trying, because of the constant fertility inquiries. But I wouldn't have made it through this in one piece if everyone in my life didn't know that I was dealing with this. I've never regretted telling anyone.

In the past few months I've been overwhelmed by the number of people that have told me they're praying for us or thinking about us. My sister-in-law prays the rosary for us every time we do IUI. We're in my super-manly-Pile-Driver's-Union-member Uncle's nightly prayers. We were put on the prayer list at the National Mormon Temple. My Grandmother-in-law sent me a prayer card for St. Gerard, the patron Saint of Motherhood. Heck, we even have a sweetheart in Australia whom I've never actually met rooting for us. I'm constantly surprised by how much thought people have put into our situation. And how strongly people want us to be parents. I feel surrounded and supported by love.

Thank you.

CRAZY!!

Have you read this? Wikipedia's article on implantation? This is some crazy stuff!!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Implantation

HOW does anyone ever get pregnant???

Dos Huevos!

TWO EGGS!!! Both on the left. Think happy "swim left!!!" thoughts.

aaaand... the part that REALLY makes my day: TWENTY SEVEN MILLION POST-WASH SPERM!!!!!

compared with last month's one egg and 5 million post-wash sperm. Really I wanted to jump off the table and bear-hug Dr. Steingold. I high-fived my husband and congratulated him on a job well done.

IUI was surprisingly chill today. We joked about Dr. Steingold making the top of the "Top Docs of Richmond" list. Then we announced that today we were going on a date... only in reverse because the insemination happened before the movie and then we're going to dinner. ...which made Dr. Steingold and his nurse laugh.

After IUI, we went to see "Date Night" which was hilarious and exactly what we wanted. And now we wait for two weeks. And Rob & I will joke about twins a lot. Thank you for all your happy & encouraging comments today. You guys are awesome. :)

11:20

...is go time. YAY!!!

Rob called to inform me that there was a minor incident with sperm collection this morning. Some of the commandos may have escaped. When I got home I may or may not have shaken him by the shoulders while yelling/laughing, "SERIOUSLY?!?!?". But then I hugged and kissed him to make up for it. Poor guy. We didn't need those deserters anyways.

I once read a story that someone's husband missed the cup entirely, but then scooped his men off the floor and into the cup. They actually ended up pregnant that round. He didn't tell his wife until she was thoroughly knocked up. :)

So we're going to go get sperminated and then go watch a matinee. "Date Night" I think. Good timing, eggs. Way to show up on my day off. :)

SMILEY FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Day 20: Smiley face

Have I mentioned that infertility makes you crazy? ;)

A note to Self... this is what the lines on a positive digital ovulation predictor look like:

That's right, Self. Those two lines look NOTHING alike. So... Self... if you have to do this again next month DON'T LOOK AT THE LINES!!!

So IUI either today or tomorrow. We'll find out around 9am.
Happy thoughts, prayers, and/or animal sacrifices are encouraged. ;)
{except our cat... Robert. Sacrificing Alice would not help.)

Day 19

No smiley face. So no eggs. Maybe tomorrow?

But my test lines have just gotten lighter every day since day 12 (when I started testing). (I know you're not supposed to look at them when you're doing a digital test, but I'm nosy). I think I remember Dr. Steingold saying after day 20 any eggs would be no good. I'll call to ask.

So that sucks. But maybe tomorrow?

Don'cha think?

My husband won't kiss me because we're not allowed to fool around in the days leading up to (hopefully) ovulation and IUI.

Now, THAT, Ms. Morissette, is ironic. ;)

Zen and the Art of Ovarian Maintenance

I spent several teenage years dating a poor excuse for a human being. To this day, I actually can't have a conversation about the young man without rolling my eyes. One year, he bought a motorcycle... which I was adamantly against... but for Christmas, as a peace offering I gave him the book, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance". I thought it was a funny title. This dude ::insert eye roll here::: read the book cover to cover and promptly broke up with me so he could "find himself" on the open road. ...Really?! Sayonara! (I wish I could say the drama ended there. Thank God I met Rob.)

So I've been feeling very "Zen" this month. I think I've finally decided that God is in charge and I have nothing to do with whether or not we get pregnant. It's quite freeing, really. Yesterday I had half a glass of wine, and in previous months there would be an internal downward, self-depreciating spiral. "I shouldn't have this glass of wine/cup of mocha/tv marathon/hopeless thoughts/hopeful thoughts/exhausting home improvement project... because it might affect ovulation..."

It's so easy to second guess your every action when you want a baby this badly. But, Really?? Did I really think that my actions would in any way prohibit a baby from being made if God wants a baby to be made? I am not all powerful. I can't magically create life in my uterus. Even if I scrunched my eyes and fists, concentrated really hard, and held my breath for 30 days, the result would be no different if this isn't the month that it's supposed to happen. Other than taking my pills and showing up for IUI, I have nothing to do with it!

So I'm breaking up with infertility. For now. I'm sure I'll be a hot mess the day I get my period. But that's life. Disappointment is allowed. Downward, self-depreciating spiral? Not allowed.

*Poof!*

:::ring:::ring:::

Sarah: "Hi! This is Sarah. I'm Dr. Steingold's patient, and I'm on 150 mg Clomid this month... and as I was popping the Clomid out of it's little foil wrap last night, one dropped down the drain of the sink. And it's ok, because I had enough left to take one of tonight's pills last night. But... um, I was wondering if maybe you guys could call in one Clomid pill for me?"

Nurse {trying not to laugh}: Ok. So you need ONE Clomid pill?

Sarah: Um... Yes.
::hangs head in shame at lack of dexterity somehow being an obstacle for pregnancy:::

Nurse:  We'll do it!

Tonight I closed the toilet lid, stopped up the sink, and v-e-r-y c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y unwrapped my Clomid. All three down the hatch safely. Gold Star for me. ;)