Ovulation Adventures

Katherine Isabella

2012-01-21T15:58:00.000-05:00

On the off-chance that anyone out there reads this blog, but not my other blog: Five Camels... I just wanted to update our little story for you!

I am miraculously 20 weeks pregnant.

There were no drugs involved. No ovulation tests. I certainly wasn't "relaxed". That September? There was a freak earthquake, a hurricane, and I made this scary life-altering change at work.

I know. It's crazy. I've never been this happy in my whole entire life.

Here's documentation of the crazy joy that happened when I peed on that fateful two-lined stick.
Here's why I think it finally happened.

And if you want to hear me go on and on (and on and on) about Babies! Babies! All the time! Hop on over to Five Camels. Thank you for all your support, your love, and your prayers.

But if you try sometimes, you just might find...

2010-09-21T07:20:00.003-04:00

If we had to give up on having babies on our own timeline.... paradise is a good place to do that.

12 dpo: the usual teeny tiny spotting and a negative test. But hope remained. I was going to come back from paradise with two pink lines. The story was going to be good... "It was our last round of fertility meds! And it happened!!"
3am, 14 dpo: Couldn't sleep, peed on a stick with shaky hands and sleepy brain. "Is that a line??" Shook head, closed eyes, opened eyes. Asked brain to focus and stop making up lines. No, that's a piece of fuzz. That is a very negative stick. And there is copious bright red blood.

And so I sat down on the bathroom floor in paradise and grieved. I could have woken Rob up, but he was sleeping soundly and I grieve most efficiently and effectively sitting down on bathroom floors. 85% of my conversations with God happen in the shower. I cried. But this time I prayed nice prayers, not angry prayers. I pursed my lips and refused to once again ask, "Why not us???". Instead, I asked God for help. I asked Mary for help. I asked for peace. Of course I asked for children, but primarily I asked for peace.

And I felt it. A tiny glimmer of peace seeping into me. I sat on the cool tile and concentrated on that.

I threw away my three remaining pregnancy tests. Long ago, I threw away my birth control pills with gusto... quickly before I changed my mind. Flushed them down the toilet and hoped I was ready for babies. Now three unused pregnancy tests sit in a landfill in Florida. Infertility is not eco-friendly. But purging helps.

We're ok. I don't really want to talk about it right now. In blogland or in real life. We're moving on. We don't feel inclined to start the adoption process; we're not saving for the expensive drugs. And I don't expect it to magically happen because we're not trying anymore.

The Florida Keys are a little slice of heaven. Teal-blue, beautifully warm water, brightly colored fishes, hammocks strung up in the shade, palm trees, white sand... I'm lounging around all day in my bikini... makeup and real undergarments are so over rated... and I may return with some freckles and highlights. We've been sleeping in and having mimosas with freshly squeezed orange juice for breakfast. We had two short oceanic adventures in our rented boat before learning that my macho, indestructible husband gets violently, miserably seasick... and that I'm a better boat captain than we'd have expected. This we both find kind of funny.

Yesterday evening we went snorkeling off the dock and chased fish for hours before flopping into lounge chairs and drip-drying in the sunset. We've been watching movies with mixed drinks every night. Today we're kayaking in the calm water of our inlet. Tomorrow we're traveling to Key West for the day... to visit a butterfly sanctuary and Ernest Hemmingway's six-toed cats.

So life is good. We have lots of love in our marriage, and plenty of other adventures in store, but I think this concludes our Ovulation Adventures. Or at least the ovulation adventures that we have any control over.
Mick Jagger and Keith Richards had it right...You can't always get what you want.
Thank you for reading this. Thank you for helping me through this. Life is hard sometimes, but it's much easier with friends like you.

Don't Worry!

2010-09-09T21:12:00.000-04:00

I posted this on FiveCamels, but not here. I'm totally ok. I was just sick of my own beat-down, depressing, negative attitude, and totally incapable of morphing that into anything remotely peppy. So I'm taking a little break from blogging. And aspiring to have a positive attitude in real life.

But before I abandon you for a bit, I have to tell you a story. Because apparently I'm not good at adhering to my self-imposed break.

Today at dinner I announced (to the world... err...Rob) that I'm pregnant until proven otherwise. How's that for a healthy dose of Pep? So we made lots of dumb pregnant jokes. Ended most sentences with "...because you're pregnant!" while nodding convincingly at each other with wide eyes and mock seriousness. We reviewed all the smug pregnant things I'll be saying in a few weeks.

I mean... what's the worst that could happen? I'll be proven otherwise and be just as depressed as I'd be if I'd had no pep all month? No big deal.

After dinner, we went to Target to purchase camera supplies for our snorkeling adventure. As we walked by the underwear aisle, I remembered that I threw out all my holey underpants last week so I also needed some underpants. Into the basket they went. Then on to the camera section: AA batteries were CRAZY on sale: $6 for a 48-pack!! We got two... because how can you pass that up?? And a big fat SD card for all the pretty fishes. And then I looked down at our accumulated pile. And couldn't stop laughing. Loudly in the middle of Target. We unsuccessfully tried not to giggle as we went through the checkout line with: lacy panties, 96 batteries, and an SD card.

Hotness.

Ok. Now I really am off to recoup from this crazy adventure. I'll be back in a few weeks with a fresh, super-chill attitude, fish pictures, and either two pink lines or a nice dent in our margarita mix. Either scenario sounds good.

Psalm 30: 15-16

2010-08-29T20:32:00.002-04:00

In thee, O Lord, have I hoped:

I said, Thou art my God

my times are in thy hands.

Committee for Pissed-Off Infertile Chicks?

2010-08-19T19:10:00.000-04:00

*While on the website for a church we'll be visiting on an out of town adventure*

Rob: Wow! They have a sewing guild! They make bibs for the babies that are baptized in the parish!
Sarah: Huh. That's cool.
Rob: Man! These people are put-together! They have a committee that does baby showers for the pregnant women in the parish!
Sarah: (huff)
Rob: Sorry... uh... they also have an Alzheimer's support group?
Sarah: Hah! I love you, Babe.

Beer Pong and Fertility Meds

2010-08-17T21:50:00.000-04:00

This weekend I've agreed to go out and play beer pong with my ~~little~~ 24 year old sister.

Lauren: So, um... bring something to wear "out".
Sarah: Um. I'm old. Do I even own "going out" clothes anymore?

I will also be taking Femara this weekend.

This is an interesting time of my life.

50 ways to leave your RE

2010-08-16T22:07:00.000-04:00

I broke up with Dr. Steingold today. I basically gave him the: "It's not you! It's me! ... and my lazy ovaries! ...and my insurance coverage! ...and we haven't won the lottery!" speech.

I was totally unprepared to give that speech. I probably should have been more prepared, but I was mostly calling to request round 2 of Femara, and mentioned to the nurse that this would be our last month of trying with drugs.

Dr. S. apologized profusely that he didn't manage to get me pregnant. He really sounded like he meant it. He seemed sad for us. I reassured him that if we come across several pots of money, we'd be back. He said "Absolutely!"

He offered 2 more rounds of Femara instead of 1. We'll see. I'm kind of done with drugs. I'm ready to get back to my normal Sarah-self. I'm ready to stop all the testing and waiting and obsessing and crying over spots of pink. If we do two more rounds, I think we might wait on round two for a bit. Store up some hope first. Avoid taking fertility drugs and testing on vacation. Maybe we'll vacation from infertility as well as work.

Pink spots of DOOM!

2010-08-15T17:02:00.000-04:00

11-12 Days Past Ovulation: tiny pink spots of doom.

Very slightly sad. Mostly apathetic. I had lots of good distractions this weekend: a 48 mile yard sale (more on that later) and church with friends. Besides, I had like... negative amounts of hope in me this month. Would God really want to put life in the womb of a mildly depressed infertile chick? There are definitely better, happier wombs out there.

Anyone have anything inspirationally hopeful for me to read? I need a big fat shot of hope before our last round of Femara.

Now to go watch DVR'd Jersey Shore. Because watching that Situation is definitely more fun than whining about this Situation. ;)

Throwing Hot Rocks

2010-08-10T16:31:00.001-04:00

Sarah: I don't know if I should stay for one or two nights at this girl's weekend thing...

Rob: You need two nights. And also... you need someone to throw hot rocks at you.

Rob doesn't understand spa treatments. His interpretation of a "Hot Stone Massage" is... "You really want someone to throw hot rocks at you?" But he does like the version of his wife after spa treatments. The version of his wife that has existed lately has been a little bit bananas.

We can't afford to move on to shots. Shots cost more than my morgtage costs each month. Even if we did have the money to throw at shots, it'd make me sick to spend it. So we have One and One-Quarter medicated cycles left. And we have no more visits to Dr. Steingold. Because my insurance company decided last week that they are Done paying for me to see Dr. Steingold. I have been Diagnosed. I am Infertile. And they only pay for you to be diagnosed. If I had complications, like ovarian cysts, they'd keep paying. I have lazy but healthy ovaries. And Anthem has no soul.

At first I was kind of ok with being done with the treatment part of this adventure. But I think I was just numb. I was trying to logic my way into giving up hope. I was strong, and mighty, and beautifully numb. It worked for 1.5 days. Unfortunately, the anesthesia wore off and there was lots of crying last night. Out of nowhere. I wasn't even expecting it. Poor Rob.
But we talked it out and we have a plan. As ridiculous as Rob thinks it is to have a plan for when the real plan (get pregnant) fails.

Rob: Do you think that football teams make contengency plans for what they'll do if their star player gets injured and then needs surgery and then can't come back for 8 games? What if he can't play for 6 games? Do they know who will play what position, and who's contract they'll renew?
Sarah: Um... yeah... why not?

Maybe sports analogies are lost on me. Let's think about BP. Maybe they needed a backup plan for their backup plan. Maybe they should employ some infertiles to play the "What IF?" game.

So I'm trying to still have a healthy amount of hope for these last two rounds. I wish I could scoop hope out and stir it into me... maybe half a teaspoon at a time. One teaspoon might be too strong.

The backup plan is this: Sarah will keep taking prenatal vitamins, but will not take ovulation tests. And we won't be charting or timing to the exact day or obsessing or focusing. And maybe sometime in the next 13 years a baby will appear in my uterus. Maybe not. I think this attitude will take some getting used to. I am not a go-with-the-flow kind of gal. Maybe there's a lesson in here somewhere...

Hissy Fit

2010-08-06T19:46:00.000-04:00

So.

I knew injectables were expensive. But I looked it up in my drug pricing stuff at work MONTHS ago and saw $150 or so. I was ok with spending that on a cycle. I mean, it's not exactly awesome, but it's not bad.

Yesterday I was reading an infertility blog. The author was moving on to injectables after Femara. And she said something about her $600 trip to the pharmacy. And I'm thinking, ok, well clearly she's independently wealthy and her RE just prescribed the fancy, expensive drugs.... right?

No.

$600 is actually on the cheap side of injectable drugs. $600 is for the girls who have ovaries that play nice. Lazy Ovary Ladies like me are looking at $1200-2000 PER CYCLE.
PER CYCLE!
That $150 figure I saw earlier? Yeah... that's per dose.

The thought of spending $600 on the drugs for a cycle got me a little queezy.
$1200?!
HELL, NO!!!
I'm not shelling out THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS per cycle for a crap-shot chance at getting pregnant!
HOW does anyone stomach that???
I get excited over thrift stores! I am not a "spend thousands of dollars on your uterus" kind of gal!
Not that that's wrong or anything... it just makes me want to vomit a little.
Or maybe that was the 1.5 doughnuts I ate after dinner... ;)

Longest. Post. Ever.

2010-08-03T20:34:00.002-04:00

There's this drug rep that I'm not too fond of (shocker). About 4 months ago, she was asking me if I knew of any good RE's, so I gave her Steingold's name, and then stupidly mentioned that I was his patient. She just had those sad, infertile eyes, and I wanted to make her feel better.. you know, like she wasn't alone.

Well, that was a mistake. Huge mistake. Because EVERY SINGLE TIME she calls on us she asks me for a reproductive update and without any prompting will tell me what her uterus is up to this month. We never talk about anything else. In fact, I don't even know her name or what she sells. And, you know, whatever. It's a 2 minute interaction every 2 weeks or so, so I can deal with it. And it's a good reminder to not blab your whole life to everyone. (Excluding the interwebs of course... I luf you, interwebs) Almost everyone on the planet knows I'm infertile, and she's the ONLY person I've ever regretted sharing that with.

I may cut her off next time and tell her that I don't want to discuss it any more. Or I may use her as a reminder: "Remember, Sarah, don't try to help everyone. Remember: people suck."

This week she stopped by to drop off samples and, of course, ambushed me with the uterus report.
Drug Rep: "Any Luck?"
Sarah: "Nope."
Drug Rep: "Well, I had some. And let me tell you it's AWFUL. I've never felt so sick in my entire life. I feel like vomiting constantly, and I'm so tired! I was just telling my husband last night I'm not so sure I ever want to go through this again! But we have our ultrasound appointment next week so I think that will make me feel better."
Sarah: "Well... Congrats!"

Faked a smile (not too convincingly because it wasn't worth the effort) and I ran off to my next patient. I felt slightly irked by the whole experience. But it rolled right off. I think I'm finally developing a Teflon coating. I am impervious to random pregnant whining! I've developed the mental dexterity to flip the bird in my head and move on.

Important life skill.

I'm wondering if I'm starting to emerge from my "Woe is me! I don't have babies!" rut.

...Though, I am in the most positive part of the cycle. See the below scientifically rendered Diagram of Emotional State vs. Cycle Day:

But anyways, I'm trying to appreciate the positive parts of not having babies. I sleep in on my days off. If I wake up before Rob on a Saturday, I can go thrifting for hours while Rob happily slumbers the morning away. I visit friends & family on my own some weekends. We can go out any night of the week without adding the expense of a babysitter. We have a vacation planned around snorkeling and sleeping.

I'm having (long term) visions of trading in my Honda Accord for a pick-up truck. Because the freedom associated with being able to haul ANYTHING would be awesome. I could become a master mulch mover! I could buy a couch at the thrift store without it becoming a day-long endeavor.We could haul home all kinds of Ikea treasures.

I have the opportunity of being The Cool Aunt. None of the children in my life are old enough to appreciate my coolness, but they will be one day. And I will be fun. Maybe I'll be the adult they talk to when they don't want to talk to their parents.

I'm going to get my eyes lasered in 2012 if we don't have babies yet. No more glasses, no more contacts, no more waiting to be finished with pregnancy before I fix the eyeballs.

They're silly little plans, but they're plans. I'd die of happiness if someone told me I'd be pregnant tomorrow, this year, or ever. If we don't ever have kids, I think a part of us will always be sad. It's not the life I'd choose if I got to pick, but I guess it's soothing to know that our life would be happy & complete without babies of our own.

Row, Row, Row Your Boat...

2010-08-03T07:27:00.000-04:00

gently down the fallopian tube...

SMILEY FACE THIS MORNING!!! On day 17!!! How... downright motivated you are, little ~~ovaries~~ ovary! 4 points for you, Righty. Lefty, maybe you can catch up next month.

and I know it doesn't mean anything, but I have to be a little proud of the amount of hormone on that pee stick this morning. My test line was practically darker than the control line. The smiley face is all that matters, but I think I'm still allowed to be impressed.

Dr. S gets points too. He said I was going to ovulate sooner than my usual day 19 or 20. And we were all, "Nah... Sarah's always a day 19 kind of gal...". I might just have to leave him a message to tell him he won the bet. It's always nice to be right.

Meet Felicity...

2010-08-02T18:25:00.000-04:00

Felicity The Follicle:

That dark spot in the middle is a maturing follicle. Hopefully she'll have a rendezvous with Sam The Sperm and they'll create Fred The Fetus.
At least that's what Rob's hoping... since I came home to this gargantuan meal with a million billion calories:

I ate half and then Rob tried to feed me ice cream sandwiches and brownies. This happens once a month. Rob doesn't care about my figure. Rob wants a boy. He's fully in support of the study that says if the woman's caloric intake is high around the time your baby is conceived, it'll be a boy. (To me, that makes no logical sense, but whatever.) If eating my weight in fried chicken would improve Rob's sperm-dar (you know, the radar glasses sperm wear) or plump up my endometrium, I'd go for it. But really, I think that would just plump up my midsection.

ONE! Singular Sensation...

2010-08-02T13:14:00.000-04:00

Rob and I always place bets on how many eggs and where. Rob gets to pick first because he and Dr. Steingold think I have insider information. They're wrong. I always think I'm achy on the right. Sometimes I wonder if I'm going to brush appendicitis off as ovulation.

So Rob picked one egg on the left. I picked one egg on the right.
And I was right!

Today is day 16. No smiley faces yet, but the sneak peek ultrasound today says that I have one big 21 mm follicle and one smaller 18 mm follicle on the right. The 18 mm one doesn't really count, since it probably won't make it into the big leagues. But the EVEN BETTER news is I have big, fat, cushy lining with 3 fat stripes: 7.1 mm! Do I really know the significance of 3 stripes? No. But whatever makes Dr. S happy makes me happy. Dr. S wants me to grow another 0.5 mm of lining, but he was pretty pleased and thinks I can squeeze out another 0.5mm. I said I'd concentrate really hard to do so.

If this doesn't work, we're going to do another round of Femara 5mg next month. Rob promised that next time he'll lock me up like a wolfman, give me lots of hugs and chocolate, and avoid conversing with me. And then shots. Just in time for cooler weather and no bikinis. I think. Period math is complicated.

I have an ultrasound picture of my follicle to show you when I get home from work. Some people get ultrasound pictures of babies... me? I'm excited to have an ultrasound picture of an egg. ;)

The crazy is (seriously) catching...

2010-07-28T21:24:00.000-04:00

Rob and I were cooking today. Rob put something in the microwave, pressed the Start button, and immediately walked over to the other side of the room while shielding his groin.

Sarah: "Um. Are you ok?"
Rob: "Well..."

Apparently since I wrote this post about irrationally worrying if I should shield my ovaries from the microwave, upon pressing the microwave's "Start" button, he's been protectively shielding his groin, and immediately backing away from the device.

This is a very logical man. Logical to a fault. The kind of fault that makes me want to shake him when I've got too many hormones running around my body. So this made me laugh. At least we can share in some of the crazy.

Speaking of The Crazy... I'm much better now. Thank goodness I only had to take those pills days 3-7. By day 9 I was totally back to just my normal level of crazy. I never did get around to calling Burger King. ;) So I'll happily take 36 hours of crazy for an egg or two. Here's hoping!

That Burger King guy really had it coming...

2010-07-25T20:43:00.000-04:00

Wednesday, July 21 (cycle day 4): Happy as a lark. Won Femara battle.

Thursday, July 22nd (cd 5): Still high on life. But tired after work. Probably just adjusting to life after vacation.

Friday, July 23rd (cd 6): Totally exhausted. Still in denial. Blaming fatigue on vacation.

Saturday, July 24th (cd 7): I'm totally fine, Rob. I just need a nap. Really. I'm not crazy at all. I just feel very passionately about pesto! Ok?! Hey... um...what's our zip code again?

Sunday July 25th (cd 8): Convinced mass was at 11:30 not 11. Try to believe that I do not have early onset dementia. Admit that maybe Femara is making me retarded.
Stand up for self at Burger King when cashier tries to hit the "Yes" credit card button for me among other great injustices. Call corporate to complain about Burger King guy. Grumpy with corporate for not working on Sunday. Make list of complaints for Monday.
Have insanely long "discussions" about tile choices for the bathroom with husband. Want to kill husband for liking dark tile choices. Totally lacking ability to coherently express my feelings on bathroom tile. Other than, of course, that I have VERY PASSIONATE feelings about bathroom tile.
Eventually burst into tears over something totally random and so not a big deal. Rob laughs at crying girl while giving big hug. Proclaims that I need to just admit it. I laugh while giant stupid tears take over. Because yes, Femara won. I am crazy. Dang it!

I do, however, have stretchy mucus. On day 8! That's unheard of! Might I actually ovulate on day 14 like a normal girl?? Stay tuned...

Tippy toe

2010-07-22T14:41:00.000-04:00

Rob keeps looking at me. Wondering when the crazy is going to strike. It's like he's trying to evaluate my hormone levels by staring at me. Doing his man-math. Trying to catch the first signs of crazy before I start yelling at him for not staying on top of the recycling. Yup, I totally did that. On Sunday. 3 hours before the ridiculously dramatic end of my ridiculously long cycle. Fortunately, I saved face by huffing this,

"I don't know why you haven't taken the recycling out in the past month! ...and I also don't know what in the hell is wrong with me today!"

We both totally knew what in the hell was wrong with me. Hormones. That's what. ;) Fortunately, Rob did not choose to inform me of this. He just played x-box and asked nicely if there was anything that he could do. I love my husband.

So anyways, 2 days in, Femara seems to have no ill effects. I have not turned into a wolfman. Hopefully this remains true.

How to Take Tiny Baby Making Pills

2010-07-21T21:23:00.003-04:00

Taking Clomid was easy. Well... when I wasn't accidentally launching them out of their foil wrapping, across the bathroom, and into the toilet. They were like gigantic Tylenols. Femara are smaller than an immodium. Tiny little specs of pills. Therefore, because I'm the least dexterous person you've ever known, it's like a 10 step process to take them.

Step 1: Start watching the clock at 8 pm
Step 2: Play on the interwebs. Forget about watching the clock.
Step 3: Have mild panic attack when you realize it's TWO MINUTES PAST 9 PM!!
(Please note that no one needs to take their fertility drugs at exactly the same time every night. I'm just crazy.)
Step 4: Run to bathroom.
Step 5: Close toilet lid, stop up sink.
Step 6: Carefully shake precious tiny pills out of bottle and place on counter.
Step 7: Take deep breath. Say Hail Mary or two. Maybe say hi to pills and wish them luck on their journey. ...because that's not weird... right?
Step 8: Fill cup with water.
Step 9: Pick up pills one by one very carefully and transport from counter to mouth. Try not to picture one flying out of tightly pinched fingers.
Step 10: Swallow. Breathe. Congratulate self on not losing tiny-ass pills.

Don't tell Anthem... My Boobs Are Fine

2010-07-20T20:50:00.000-04:00

ANTHEM PAID FOR MY FEMARA!!!
(happy happy dance)
Which means that Femara was actually CHEAPER than Clomid (at a 30 dollar copay vs $34 for Clomid).
So thank you, Breast Cancer Research, for developing boob pills with good ovarian side effects. ;)

There was lots of drama involved in getting Femara. Lots of emails sent to my very pregnant friend, KP (who got that way on her first round of Femara. Let's hope she started a trend with her beginner's luck.), lots of phone calls to Dr. S's nurses, and just generally making a nuisance of myself. Dr. S was off yesterday and his nurse told me I'd be taking 2.5 mg of Femara this month. It comes in 2.5 and 5mg. Guess which dose this Lazy Ovary Lady wanted? NOT TWO-POINT-FIVE! I've played that game! When 50 mg of Clomid didn't work we did 100 mg, when that didn't work we did 150. I was ready to fill a bathtub with ice and steal someone else's ovaries by the time we got me to ovulate on Clomid.

So I had a small hissy fit (to myself... and Rob... and KP). I did a boatload of Femara research, and all the data I found said that 5mg is THE WAY TO GO. Like a 5% pregnancy rate on 2.5 mg vs a 30% pregnancy rate on 5mg. And Femara usually doesn't make people ovulate like crazy (more like 1-2 eggs), so it's not like 5mg is going to result in 8 babies swimming around in there. Ok, and yes, fertility research BLOWS. No one studies these things. When I'm a multi-millionaire I'll be funding that research. Though those millions are less likely when we have 8 babies running around our house... ;)

Fortunately, KP came to my rescue. She (very nicely) told me to grow a pair and tell that nurse what I wanted and why. Which I did (while apologizing profusely for being such an annoying patient). And what happened? Dr. S. himself called me today to tell me he was thinking about giving me 5 mg yesterday, but decided to go easy on me. And I said: GIVE ME THE DRUGS! So he did. I really pity the guy... having to work with hormonal, baby-crazed females all day. Yikes.

The plan this month is this: Femara 5mg for the next 5 days (day 3-7). Midcycle ultrasound on August 2nd (day 16) to take a peek at the follicles, and again, no IUI. Dr. S keeps hinting that we should do IUI, but our mental health is more important than babies. Sorry, Babies; life is hard. If you can't fight hard enough to be conceived, you weren't going to make much of yourselves anyways. So there. Tough love.

One or two rounds of Femara are in store for us, and then we move on to SHOTS. Fortunately not before our next beach trip. Check out that bruised chick in the bikini... ;)

Now I'm off to take my two hard-won pills. Wish me luck!

Confession

2010-07-18T20:04:00.000-04:00

When my indoor tangelo tree bloomed and miraculously made 5 little baby fruits I didn't water it the week I got my period. The tree is fine, but all the fruit fell off. And I felt much better.

Day 42: Peach Schnapps without guilt

2010-07-14T10:14:00.000-04:00

I'M BLEEDING! I'M BLEEDING! HIP HIP HURRAY!!!!

In the past two years I've never been so happy to have my period. I feel free and calm and thankful that I don't have to take the crazy pills. I'm on vacation, so I've been having a drink most nights, but now I don't have to have this conversation in my head every night:

"Damnit, it's vacation and I want a drink and there's only like a 0.01% chance I could be pregnant and even if I WERE pregnant the fetus wouldn't be attached to my bloodstream so it'd totally be ok to have a drink... (2 seconds later) but what about that patient I had who had all those negative pee sticks and a negative stick in the office and then we drew her blood just for fun and she was like 8 weeks pregnant?? What about her?? (2 seconds later) Ok, but she was like a House patient and that never happens really. (2 seconds later) But what if my bladder doesn't want to participate in pregnancy hormones either? What if... ohshutupandhavethestupiddrink!"

We infertiles need to know what's going on in our uterii at ALL TIMES. I'm ok with the two week wait. I understand what might be going on in my uterus and why I have to wait, so that doesn't make me as crazy as an 18 day luteal phase. This, my friends, is why we take fertility drugs. Because maybe I can ovulate on my own and have an absurdly long luteal phase. But if we left it up to my lazy reproductive system, I'd get 8 cycles/year. And that sucks. Bring on the Femara... and the schnapps. :)

Another One Bites the Dust

2010-07-12T10:31:00.000-04:00

It's like... 17 (16?) dpo. Still no bleeding. Lots of very negative expensive actually bought at a drugstore instead of on ebay pregnancy tests. So I probably should call Dr. Steingold and ask for the crazy pills to start the bleeding. But I'm on vacation (thus the lack of obsessive updates) so maybe we'll just go with the no bleeding for now. I don't think my family would let me live it down if I had a "I just want you to love me!" episode in front of them. ;)

I actually don't think I've told you that story. It was before I avidly blogged about my uterus. I didn't have a period for 3 months around the time we bought our house. So I had to take progesterone for 10 days to wake my uterus up. Those pills made me c.r.a.z.y. I'm not usually a PMS-sy lady. But oh. my. god.
One night I was VERY ANGRY with Rob for something that wasn't even a big deal in real life. I was sobbing. Rob was about to give up on repairing my sanity and just wanted to go to sleep. He finally asked,
"Ok, Sarah. What would make you feel better?"
and I replied (sobbing), "I just want you to love me!"
Rob (trying not to laugh at me), "ohhkayy..."
That just made me angrier.

I woke up the next morning with a sinking feeling and whispered, "Rob... I'm sorry. I have no idea what was wrong with me." He, fortunately, just continued laughing at me.

So anyways, no babies this month. Maybe femara will be our magic pill. Maybe we're destined to just be very good Aunts and Uncles. Either way, whatever. I'm over it. For today.

Island Adventures

2010-07-06T21:34:00.000-04:00

Rob and I are going on a trip to the Florida Keys in the early fall. We've never been there, and we're very excited. We're staying in a seaside cottage, renting a boat for the week, and we're going snorkeling. That's our only definite plan. That is my kind of vacation.

I saw this quote on The Lettered Cottage:

"I think that there is no truer place than an island. Whether it's a sandbar or a bubble-up of volcanic rock or a jut of tropical coral, an island stands only by some whim of fate, given a chancy foothold among the chaos. An island often makes you change your sense of perspective, your mind and your direction too. With the tide coming in over the castles you build, the currents sweeping you places you didn't plan on going, the mists rolling in mysteriously over what you thought was clear. When I go to an island, I know that I'm in that state of grace in which anything can happen."- How to Live on an Island by Sandy Gingras

And it made me think of our infertility adventures. It was written out beautifully on a master bedroom wall. Go drool.

Nothing to report on the fertility front. It's 11 dpo, no bleeding, absolutely no symptoms of impending period or being occupied by other human life forms, and a negative test this AM (I know... day 11 is too early to test. yeah, yeah). My cervix is squishy, and that's never happened before, but maybe it could be the estrogen (?). Am I blaming everything on the estrogen? (Which I finished taking 2 weeks ago.) Maybe we can blame the crazy heat wave sweeping the east coast on the estrogen. Rob keeps eying my randomly eczematous feet and scary poison ivy rash and making hopeful statements like, "Maybe your skin is falling off because you're pregnant?" Thanks hun, let's hope so! ;)

well, that's never happened before...

2010-06-30T18:35:00.000-04:00

It's day 29. 4-5 days post ovulation and I'm back to report that my cervix has decided: This Is The Month That I'm Going To Do My Thing. Stretchy mucus galore! Still! Usually I'm a 1-2 days of stretchy mucus kind of gal. Not a week of stretchy mucus. Maybe it's the estrogen? (that I finished taking 9 days ago?)
Maybe it's that thing we're trying not to say or think, but think every five seconds anyways?

{don't tell anyone... but... I'm feeling hopeful.}

There. I said it.

Me, who never has hope. Hope galore. Tryingveryhardtobedetatchedandignorethisfeeling-Hope. But hope nontheless.

My ovaries like beer... and houseguests

2010-06-25T07:38:00.000-04:00

Day 24: SMILEY FACE!!

Which means that Clomid did NOT do his job this month and these are all-on-my-own egg(s). And the nurse said after day 20 eggs are ok. So there ya go. I guess if we got pregnant this month the score would look something like:
God: 1 Sarah: 0

Of course I ovulate the day after drinking 2 beers and eating yummy greasy bar food instead of actually eating dinner (good choices, Sarah!) and of COURSE I'm ovulating just in time for a series of weekend visitors. Thanks ovaries, as always, your timing is IMPECCABLE.

Maybe my ovaries like yummy, locally brewed beer more than my usual glass of wine?

So I guess I didn't get out of the two week wait after all. ;)

Red Dresses, Disneyworld, Nascar, and Illegal Drugs

2010-06-23T07:19:00.000-04:00

So last night I drempt that:
Karla and I went to a fashion show and the judges were trying to find someone to be "The girl in the sparkly red dress" at a NASCAR event in Disneyworld. None of the models would do so they checked the audience and they picked (gasp!) me! To wear something like this:

link

I looked surprisingly awesome. (Good job, subconscious!) I felt like hot stuff. They did my hair & makeup and I was very Vana White. The unfortunate part was that it was NASCAR so I was surrounded by well... NASCAR fans. This one very large man was standing next to me when he decided to smoke a joint. He said it was "European" and that it was totally awesome, except that it makes the ladies ovulate like crazy.

You'd better believe that I stole that man's stash! Me, who's never even smoked a cigarette in real life! Yup. I'm desperate. All the way down to my subconscious. ;)

Le-go my eggs-o

2010-06-21T19:47:00.005-04:00

Still no smiley face. And it's day 20, so who knows, but
a) my face is mostly pimple-free
b) there's less stretchy mucus
c) and no pelvic achy-ness

So... clear skin, no discharge, and no belly pain? And that's disappointing? I know, crazy! I called Dr. S's office today and talked to my favorite nurse, Lisa. She's the sweetest of the bunch and we spent 5 whole minutes (which is a long time for a check-in!) chatting about the situation. She was surprised, but says I should keep testing through the end of the week. Apparently after-day-20 eggs are ok eggs, so I must have misunderstood Dr. S at our first appointment. She offered me an ultrasound, but I didn't really feel like doing it. It doesn't really matter if the Clomid didn't work this month because we're changing drugs next month anyways, and it's not like you can do anything about it if there are no eggs. Lack of smiling pee sticks does seem to make the two week wait less angst-ridden. But... bummer.

My world isn't falling apart over the absence of eggs. I'm a little bummed, a little somber, but not beside myself. Church really helped this week. {I'm about to get all religious on you... fair warning} The gospel reading this week was this:

Luke 5:4-11
4And when He had finished speaking, He said to Simon, "Put out into the deep and let down your nets for a catch." 5And Simon answered, "Master, we toiled all night and took nothing! But at your word I will let down the nets." 6And when they had done this, they enclosed a large number of fish, and their nets were breaking. 7They signaled to their partners in the other boat to come and help them. And they came and filled both the boats, so that they began to sink. 8But when Simon Peter saw it, he fell down at Jesus’ knees, saying, "Depart from me, for I am a sinful man, O Lord." 9For he and all who were with him were astonished at the catch of fish that they had taken, 10and so also were James and John, sons of Zebedee, who were partners with Simon. And Jesus said to Simon, "Do not be afraid; from now on you will be catching men." 11And when they had brought their boats to land, they left everything and followed Him.

I scooted a little closer to Rob for the reading. During the homily, the priest joked that Simon Peter didn't say, "Look, Jesus, I'm a fisherman. I've been doing this for a long time. I know what I'm doing..." even though he could have. I could kind of see where Simon Peter was coming from. We've been doing this for a long time. We know what we're doing. But we haven't caught any fish.

Rob told a very frustrated Sarah this morning, "Just because you don't see any fish doesn't mean there aren't fish there!" Sarah snarkily replied, "My fish come with smiley-faces and there are no smiley-faces!" But he's right. Maybe all hell broke loose and my ovaries did their thing a week ago? Maybe Femara is the right baby-making drug for us? Who knows.

We both feel called to be parents and every time I ask God if we should really continue trying this nonsense, I feel a resounding "YES!" Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe my neurons are making answers up. But I'm trying to trust that there is a plan. A good one.

And now Rob just told me that he's had the phrase "Space-Doodie" (from a Friends episode) stuck in his head all day.

Interesting.
...and life goes on... with or without those stupid eggs. ;)

Stretchy Mucus GALORE!!

2010-06-20T09:13:00.000-04:00

... but no eggs yet. (I almost didn't type the "yet" but I'm working on my optimism) Today is day 19. You know, the day my ovaries did their thing 3 out of the 4 previous Clomid months. And yes, there was that one time that I didn't ovulate until day 20 and for 24 hours I was pretty sure the world was ending because I didn't ovulate on day 19. This month I don't feel like the world is ending if I don't ovulate (progress! That's progress, people!), but I did mutter some swear words in my head at my lazy, good-for-nothing ovaries. (That wasn't what I called them. It was more colorful than that.)

I mean, clearly my cervix is on board with this whole non-IUI month. My cervix is being useful and is doing it's job. You couldn't ASK for better stretchy mucus! It's some high quality, high quantity stuff!* C'mon, ovaries! Get with the program!

*Because I know you wanted to hear about my cervical mucus situation on this Sunday morning.
But I guess it is somewhat related to Father's day. In an abstract way...
My cervix wishes everyone a Happy Father's day! My ovaries are sulking in the corner. You can ignore them

Ovary Punks!

Estrogen

2010-06-14T19:41:00.000-04:00

Doesn't seem to make me crazy or have any other ill effects.
So if I could just stop running to the bathroom with this stomach bug I'd be golden!
I'm going to be skinny for swimsuit season! ;)

Stomach Bug Enlightenment

2010-06-13T13:41:00.000-04:00

I become the most helpless person when I get sick. AND I WORK IN MEDICINE!! The thing is, I know how to treat a stomach bug (go home, stay home, eat white bread, and drink lots of juice). But I don't know how to be the sick person. I stink at giving myself permission to lay on the couch when I have other things planned.

This weekend, Rob and I volunteered to work our church's Italian Festival. I was super excited about gelato and limoncello (::sigh::: limoncello...). And we got picked for the 'cake jobs in the shade. I was looking forward to meeting parishoners for the first time (it's really freaking hard to break into the church social scene! ..at least for introverts like me!). And what happens? One hour into our two day volunteer extravaganza, I'm sweating bullets and running over old ladies and small children to avoid pooping in my pants. Lame.

I drove myself home, and two hours later was done with the toilet worshiping. I thought, "Well, maybe I could go back..." Again, I KNOW I shouldn't go back to church and expose the city of Richmond to my stomach bug. But I felt bad about abandoning Rob! And not meeting people! And staying home is lame! It doesn't help that I married this man with an iron-clad immune system. Rob's gotten sick like 3 times since I've known him. And he thinks since he survived the swine flu he's now invincible.

So what's a grown, 27 year old medical professional to do? I called my mom. Who (of course) told me to stay on the couch and watch several hours of Jersey-licious. Ok. Maybe not the second part. But that's what I did. Trash-tastic.

That was a long and drawn out story to tell you this little infertility tidbit. My mom read my cat collar post, in which I make fun of myself for sewing my cat a collar one evening and joke that maybe cat collars are my destiny instead of children. And she said something like this:

"Sarah! Children don't define you! Well, they can define you, but you shouldn't let them, because they'll grow up and move away, and have their own lives! You should use this opportunity of not having children yet to do things and enjoy your life!"

Multiple people had tried that line of thinking on me before. I'd given this some serious thought... and I'd come up with nothing. I mean, maybe I could take a pottery class, get back into the oboe, or go on a short trip to Europe, but I still felt like I was waiting for something to happen. Babies to happen, more specifically.

So I said what I always say to this, which is, "But I've already done everything I wanted to accomplish before having children! I'm done with my education, I like my job, I own a house. There's nothing left to do!"

Most people are stymied by that response. Most people shrug and don't know what else to say. No one ever has anything helpful to suggest in the category of: "Activities that can replace Babies". I'm told to travel a lot. But two trips a year are plenty for this chica. And I only get 3 weeks of vacation per year. It's not like work offers a vacation consolation prize for infertility. (though that'd be nice, "Sorry our insurance doesn't cover infertility treatments, here's 8 weeks of vacation!")

But then my mom said one of those things that only really means something when it comes from your mom:

"But you already are doing things! Every time I click on your blog I see all the fun things you're accomplishing! You have a fantastic life! Enjoy it!"

If my mom thinks my life is pretty fantastic, that big, gaping "No Babies" hole seems a little smaller. Now, would I rather have babies than a perfectly decorated home & garden? Of course. But did it make me think how much easier it is to be sick and lay on the couch watching Jersey-licious, than it'd be to take care of some poopy child while watching The Wiggles? Yes. Yes. Yes. Thank goodness for moms. I love you, Mom!

...Now back to Jersey-licious and my juice. ;)

High Five

2010-06-10T20:43:00.000-04:00

We are done with Clomid!

For real this time.

::Small Eruption of Laughter from the Bathroom::

2010-06-09T20:20:00.000-04:00

I was taking my Clomid this evening, when I glanced over at my bottle of estrogen.
Warning label #1 really made me laugh:

So guys, I'm sorry, but apparently we can't plan on getting pregnant this month. My pill bottle says so.
I wonder if you can get that icon blown up in poster size? I'm really digging it. ;)

"The things we'll do if we can't have kids" - A List

2010-06-09T06:35:00.001-04:00

1) Knock down the wall between our master bath and the upstairs hall bath and create one gigantic spa-like bathroom.

link

2) Convert the "craft room" that rarely gets used (It was supposed to be a nursery, but I couldn't stand it any more so I had to label it something else) into my own personal dressing room. Complete with gigantic walls of closets and lots of mirrors. Think: BowerPower's retreat. Only less pink.I'd probably paint it gray-green... like the rest of my house.

link

(do you notice that there are lots of shiny light fixtures in my child-free life?)

3) Trade my super practical and safe Honda Accord for a convertible mini cooper.

link

Drive down the road with the wind blowing in my hair. Then remember that wind + hair = annoying + distracting. Roll windows up. Remain convinced that I'm super cool. Maybe move to Europe just for the cool license plates.

YES!! THAT'S what I feel!

2010-06-07T20:23:00.000-04:00

I have a new blog-friend, loribeth of The Road Less Travelled. Her blog rocks. She posted an excerpt from Laura Bush's memoir. I'm reposting it because it was one of those, "I'm not crazy! Other people feel this way too! Important people, even!" moments.

"The English language lacks the words 'to mourn an absence.' For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful, some not. Still, we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only 'I am sorry for your loss.' But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent, ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?"

This will make my Mother In Law proud...

2010-06-06T18:35:00.000-04:00

Target sent me 2 coupons for a free $10 gift card with purchase of a new or transferred prescription. I used one last month when I transferred my Clomid from CVS (Terrible prices! Awful pharmacy tech people! The drive-through was the only thing keeping me there.) to Target. Last month infertility bought me a gardening hose for the front yard.

This month I MADE money on infertility! My new prescription for estrogen cost $2.26 and Target gave me a $10 gift card! That rocked.

I almost spent it on chocolate. But then the evil demons in my uterus would have won. You can't spend infertility bonus money on chocolate-treatments for your period! So instead I bought a small vat of Ukrops cookies at the grocery store to smother the crazy. There are three cookies left. But Rob helped too... Ok. Mostly I ate them all. It worked. Cookies, my three hour nap with the cat, and TV. I may need to sweat in the garden for 4 days to make up for the cookies. But it was worth it. Rob probably agrees. ;)

So, what should infertility buy us this month?

tata IUI, hello post menopausal hormones

2010-06-03T21:45:00.000-04:00

So it's official. No IUI this month. We're baby making the old fashioned, cheap way. No $50 copays. No $400 IUI. After spending $1200 on IUI, and getting no babies, we're done with that. We can always change our minds later. But I can think of several ways I'd rather spend that money. Like finally finishing the bathroom renovation so I can soak in our tub. That might improve my fertility!

Dr. S is ok with our decision. He thinks we'd be better off doing IUI each month. But he couldn't give me percentages or studies or numbers, so I feel like it's just not financially, emotionally, or occupationally worth it. Rob's urologist and my gyno both looked at Rob's numbers, and neither one of them think we need to do IUI. {My gyno said this ages ago, but we ignored her because gynos are not infertility docs.) Dr. S is basing his recommendation on our post coital tests that never showed any meaningful sperm. (because they were all in my fallopian tubes, duh!) Most RE's don't even do post coital tests because they're not a good, quality, evidence-based test. So I'm feeling ok with this decision. I think it's the right thing to do.

I get one more round of Clomid this month. Dr. S is bending the rules a bit there, giving me 7 months instead of 6. Since only 3 months worked while we were tapering up, I don't think I'm putting my ovaries in any real danger. Though if they did get cancer it would serve them right. Lazy loser ovaries. And this month he's giving me a little bit of estrogen to hopefully plump up my lining a bit. My lining's always been in the low normal range. Maybe the eggs just are picky about their bedding. They want a feather bed, not a park bench. I can respect that. So I keep saying I want to run with the postmenopausal crowd, now I get to take the postmenopausal drugs. Pass the Premarin!

So that's the long summary of what's going to happen with my uterus this month. If you made it though all that, you really are a good friend! ;) Thank you for reading. Infertility has a tendency to make people feel very alone. Having cheerleaders on the internet really helps. That, and digging giant holes in my front yard for flower beds. I'll have to send you all bouquets. :)

14 dpo: spotting

2010-06-01T21:26:00.000-04:00

The very faintly pink kind you'd only notice if you were really looking.
So that's that. No pregnancy tests needed this month.
~~No tears though~~. Only like 3 tears. Which is a first. Hopefully the trend continues.

It's never the bleeding that gets to me. It's the yelling at God that goes on in my head that makes me tear up. God probably appreciates such well thought out phrases as:

"FINE, God! I didn't want your stupid baby blessings anyways!"
or
"REALLY?! God??? Exactly why am I not fit to be a parent???"
or
"Ok. Seriously. Do you want my entire existence to revolve around redecorating our home and garden or do you want me to change some freaking diapers and raise some freaking children in your freaking church????"

I'll repent tomorrow. Tonight it's yelling. Tomorrow I'm off from work (!!!) and there will be digging in the garden. Growing things outdoors, since apparently growing things in my uterus is not happening.

Two weeks of fun!

2010-05-31T22:31:00.001-04:00

If you're very strict about counting things off my TWO WEEKS OF FUN list, I'm totally failing.
But if you give me a little wiggle room I am totally rocking the list thus far. And every time my brain starts doing period math I remind myself to say, "meh! It doesn't matter because it's not June 6th!" and move on to all the fun things I've done/have to do. Seriously, folks... I have found a cure for Infertility Insanity! At least for now. Infertility Insanity does have a tendency to wiggle it's DNA around to morph into fun-resistant strains sometimes. ;) Yup. That was a geeky joke.

Fun things I've done:

1) Visited The Wine Loft with some girlfriends after work. Ate yummy cheese and drank yummy wine. Talked Talked Talked.

2) Visited a friend in the Fan and had THE BEST HAMBURGER I'VE EVER EATEN EVER IN MY ENTIRE 27 YEARS in her gorgeous backyard.

3) Went to an awesome book fair. Tried to steal nephew.

4) Visited the local Bare Minerals shop that I had been meaning to visit for a year. Splurged on makeup. Felt pampered.

5) Came home to a dozen white roses (my favorite!) and the explaination: "Well, I love you, and they were on sale, and I had a coupon..." Felt even more pampered.

6) Worked my tail off in the front yard starting a flower bed and trimming up the much neglected trees.

7) Redecorated the guest room on a $3 budget. (very proud of myself here)

And this week's plans:
1) Go on a date to The Black Sheep with the hubs.

2) Continue sweating in the front yard. Think bikini. And flowers.

3) Hang out with my fabulous friend Karla and make fun planters.

4) Work all of three days this week! The stars aligned and my every-other-Wednesday-off and Memorial Day are in the same week!

So, Fates... if I'm going to get my period this week could I pretty please get it on my Wednesday off so I don't have to pull myself up by the bootstraps in the bathroom at work (because my period only ever starts at work. Never at home). That game is getting a little old. ;) However, I'm getting kind of bored with period-followed-by-monthly-cry-fest. So maybe I'll skip the cry-fest this month. That would be nice.

We're considering not doing IUI any more. It's not really necessary with Rob's recent counts, it's expensive, inconvenient, doesn't increase our chances by more than 5% or so, and the pressure to fully utilize our inexpensive Clomid months (since you only get 6 and this is round 6) is off after this month. I'm sure there are cycle limits with any drug, but I'm not sure it's so defined with other drugs. If I have to call Dr. S's office this week to report period activity, I'll ask.

Happy June! June marks two years of this craziness. What's the traditional two year anniversary gift? Cotton? Ok, Ovaries, you owe me some bedsheets or a fluffy robe. Or a baby. ;)

Obvs....

2010-05-29T22:02:00.000-04:00

I'm reading this hilarious blog: PrincessNebraska. She's pregnant, but I don't count that against her because she has a fabulous sense of humor and a fabulously hilarious little boy. She uses the term, "Obvs" a lot. Usually when making fun of herself. I picture it's use with an eye roll and a half-grin. That intro was crucial to this story. Crucial, I tell you.

This month has been the "Oh, wait! There's a world outside of infertility!" month. I had a patient come in convinced she either had an STD or was pregnant. She said she had "stringy mucus" and pelvic pain. "Stringy mucus?" I thought... I've never heard of a stringy mucus STD... and I'm puzzling on this as I start to do the pelvic exam.

.. and "OH!! Obvs! Stretchy mucus!!" I think, while at the same time saying out loud: "Oh! You're ovulating! This stringy mucus is a classic sign of ovulation!" {probably over-excitedly because to me, having stretchy mucus is on par with getting a pony for Christmas} We of course did all the appropriate tests and whatnot but she was fine. I wished her good luck in her endeavors, "If you want babies, now's the time. If you don't want babies, well... use a condom!"

She laughed and said she was embarrassed for not knowing what that was. I told her not to worry, I didn't know what stretchy mucus was until... um... PA school...{I stretched the truth.} They don't teach you about stretchy mucus in PA school. Infertility teaches you about stretchy mucus. PA school teaches you that EVERYONE SHOULD BE ON BIRTH CONTROL AT ALL TIMES BECAUSE OHMYGOD YOUR PATIENTS CAN GET PREGNANT IF THEY BREATHE NEAR SPERM! Liars.

Anyways, the 2ww (2 week wait) is going well. I'm doing so much fun stuff! I'm compiling a list of fun activities I've accomplished and I'll bore you all with it very soon. ;)

Rule Breaker

2010-05-26T22:42:00.000-04:00

I've been having a FABULOUS time over the past week. I've broken so many rules. Rebel infertility patient, that's me. There's been lots of good wine with good friends. I even made myself a vodka tonic with a twist of lime one night. Yum. I love summer.
There was a LOT of cold medicine one day when I was trying to believe it was allergies. The jury's still out on that one. But it's going away, so whatever. Having avoided all cold medicine for at least 6 months due to irrational paranoia... let's just say I shouldn't have taken two decongestant pills at the same time. Thank goodness work was busy that day. Because I was running around like a crazy person. I had a combination of these two songs (both awesome in their own very different way) stuck in my head.

Maybe one day when we have babies keeping us up all night I'll resort to Mucinex DM the next morning instead of caffeine. ;)

June 6th: Pee-day

2010-05-24T06:51:00.001-04:00

Part two of the "don't go crazy this month" plan is: No peeing on sticks of any kind until June 6th.
June 6th is, of course, D-day. It's also18 days after IUI. So June 6th is two days later than my extremely late period was last month.

And I picked two days after my longest luteal phase ever because "pee" rhymes with "D" as in "D-Day".
Conception is kind of like storming the beaches at Normandy. On a cellular level. Maybe without the explosions. I guess ovulation is kind of an explosion...

Now, why am I virtually guaranteeing that I will get my period before I pee on any sticks this month? Because I think 72.5% of the crazy stems from peeing on negative sticks. It's such a mind game. So much so that my brain actually MAKES faint pink lines on those damn sticks. I have to look at the sticks from multiple angles, blink a lot, and squint to prevent my brain from playing tricks on my eyes. And I'm not normally a hallucinating type of person.

And last month I kind of worked the interwebs up into a tizzy. My Aunt Jamie checked her iphone for updates while at a stoplight. The woman has two small children! I can't have people checking their Google Reader at stoplights!!

On a personal level, here's how I rationalize taking the 400,000 pregnancy tests I've taken:
"Well, maybe I should pee on another stick because...
a) they were so cheap on ebay!
b) I'm having/Rob's having kind of a rough day. A positive stick would certainly perk us up!
c) I feel kind of nauseated {of course you're nauseated! You just ate your weight in Oreos to compensate for the crazy!}
d) I have a dentist apointment {in 2 weeks, but whatev...) and I don't want to irradiate a fetus...
e) Today would be a good day to get a positive stick. We have no plans so we could spend the whole day jumping up and down!"

and then they're always negative and that's always a bummer. I think it's a testament to my optimism that I still make excuses to take pregnancy tests! Too bad babies aren't made out of optimism and oreos. So I'm taking the excuses away from myself! No pee sticks until D-Day!

Peeks into Parenthood

2010-05-23T17:25:00.001-04:00

I spent this past weekend with a LOT of my family in law, and of course had lots of fun with both the grownups and the babies. Well, the baby, the toddler, and the pre-K kids. How those little babies grew up so fast astounds me. 2 year old Addison proudly declared that she isn't a baby, she is, "A grown-up kid!".

My two favorite moments of the weekend were these:
1) We walked down the street for ice cream, and on our way back, two firetrucks screamed by, lights flashing, siren singing... scarring the bejezus out of Addy. She stopped being a "grown-up kid" for 30 seconds to shake in her boots and cry while holding her moma. Her mom held her and said, "Ok. Now we have to pray for the people they're going to help." and Addy nodded, but couldn't quite regain the coordination to remember how to cross herself. For a split second, tears pricked my eyes, and I couldn't figure out why until several hours later. One day I want to be the soothing voice that fixes the scary noise or the bad dreams. You're a good mom, Jamie, and I aspire to be like you one day.

2) We went to Green Valley Book Fair, which was AWESOME. I have four new fiction books for the beach and I only spent $13! But the best part of the book fair was that my sister-in-law, Caroline offered to wrap her sleepy baby against my chest with her moby wrap. I got to hold a slumbering infant for an hour while browsing the book fair. Heaven is a baby sleeping on your chest. One that periodically sighs in his sleep. And one that's your godbaby and your very first nephew. I love you, baby "Jo-fus" (as pronounced by the pre-K kids). Thanks, Caroline!

So the two week wait is going well. We're still unenthusiastic. Just doesn't seem like the lucky month. But being cool, calm, and collected right now doesn't mean anything. I'm usually sane for the first of the two weeks in the wait. It's the second week that lends itself to the crazy. ;) But I have a plan to combat the crazy. You've seen part one of the plan (stay super busy with fun plans). Part two later.

How to spell

2010-05-21T06:24:00.000-04:00

Rob: "You always spell splooge wrong."
Sarah: "Is there really a right way to spell splooge?"
Rob: "Well, it's not s-p-l-o-u-g-e! {"splowu-ge")
{Rob looks it up in Urban Dictionary}
It's s-p-l-o-o-g-e."
Sarah: "Well. I think it needs a D. s-p-l-o-o-d-g-e. Like 'wedge'... 'sploodge'"

infertility = inspired conversation

Two Weeks OF FUN!!!

2010-05-20T20:43:00.000-04:00

The list of fun, distracting activities:

1) Hang out with 11 of my favorite family-in-law members

3) Get a manicure (good idea, Paige!) to go with my new ring (!!!)

4) Visit my favorite used furniture store

5) Go to a PA dinner. Not because I like going to those things, but because I like hanging out with this crazy skydiving chica:

6) Dig a hole for a flower bed in my front yard
7) Buy dirt & flowers (but not dirty flowers)
8) Plant flowers in dirt after putting dirt in the aforementioned, now filled-in hole:

9) Go to The Black Sheep for dinner because I've been wanting to forever and this is a good excuse!!!

10) Visit a fabulous local winery, James River Cellars for a wine & cheese pairing:

10) Hang out with Karla & fam.

12) Make pots from scratch!

Now. If I accomplish all that I will be ready for a nap in two weeks. :)

Check!

2010-05-19T15:48:00.000-04:00

1) Get spermination cup. check! (99 cents right up the street at Buford Road Pharmacy!)
2) Go to counseling. check!
3) Get sperminated. check!

There are 18 million-some sperm swimming around my uterus right now and they can swim in EITHER direction because we have TWO EGGS, one on each side!!! Good job, ovaries!! You can't screw this up, little spermies!!

Dr. Steingold was scheduled to be at an x-ray appointment, so his partner was supposed to do our IUI today. Which was very slightly disappointing, but I didn't really care. I'll stick my feet in the stirrups for pretty much anyone holding Rob's sperm and a catheter. ;) However, who walked in the room? DR. STEINGOLD!! Yay!! Seriously totally made my day. I big puffy heart you, Dr. S!

My uterine lining is a little thin at 7mm. So we're trying not to get too enthusiastic. I think our brains are kind of protecting themselves, because we haven't been overly worked up (for good or bad) this cycle. Rob said, "This would be the month it happens, because we've mentally given up."
It's all a mind game, peeps!

Dr. Steingold said as he was leaving, "Ok! So now we pray."
Sarah: "And have lots of sex."
Dr. S: "Yes...but maybe not at the same time."

:)

In counseling, we decided that for the next two weeks I'm going to very busily do lots of fun things to distract myself from the two week wait. My assignment is to write them all on the office calender.
Any suggestions?
I'll post my fun calender in the next post. :)

Thanks for all the prayers & happy thoughts. You guys are wonderful.

PEOPLE EGGS!!!

2010-05-19T08:21:00.001-04:00

See what a devoted blogger I am?? I share early morning pj's crazy hair no makeup sleep still in the eyes enthusiasm pictures with you!

Now. Because I was totally tempting fate (which is probably the only reason this happened on my day off) and forgot to get Rob a cup at work yesterday, I'm on a mission to achieve step #1 in spermination (IUI).

Mission: Find a sploodge cup.
Call Dr. Steingold at 9am on the dot and beg for an IUI appointment.
Then go to counseling. Try not to jump on the couch.
Get sperminated!!!

Goose Eggs

2010-05-18T18:55:00.000-04:00

This may be too much information, but it leads up to something funny.

Rob and I both had to pee at 6:30 in the morning on Saturday. We both groggily got out of bed at the same time and made it halfway to the bathroom before noticing that we were both heading there. Rob let me win because I'm the girl. And since it's that time of the month again (woo...), I had to pee on an ovulation predictor test. Those things take like 3 whole minutes to give you an answer, and since they're digital, the answer disappears 2 minutes later. So you really do have to sit there and pay attention to it. Which is extremely annoying on the weekend when you just want to go back to bed and fall back asleep. It's like I can feel my dreams escaping me and my brain waking up as I watch that stupid thing blink. So what's a girl to do?

...Let her husband pee while the thing blinks and make him get the answer! :) Maybe I should have been a little more compassionate since he let me pee first. But I've wasted hours of my life staring at pee sticks, so it was his turn. I crawled back into bed.

2 minutes later...

Rob: "We have a goose egg!"

Sarah: "We don't want goose eggs we want people eggs!"
Rob: "Oh, ok. We don't have any of those."

So I know to normal, fertile people, that's a pretty lame joke. But to me, in this humor-less infertility adventure, that was a HILARIOUS joke. One that will allow me to relay negative ovulation test results in more positive language than my usual, "No eggs..." Now we do have eggs, they're just of the fowl variety. ;)

{Yup. You caught me. That one was bad.}

Cycle day 18. I'd like to ovulate tomorrow on my day off, please and thank you very much... whoever is in charge of these things. ;)

This will make you feel better...

2010-05-17T18:14:00.000-04:00

One of my favorite people at work showed me this website today:

link

Yup. Sometimes malfunctioning ovaries aren't so bad... ;)

I wonder what Mary thought of that...

2010-05-16T19:31:00.000-04:00

I bet she gets lots of odd requests, but this one from my sister-in-law may take the cake:

"As always, I'm praying for cooperative ovaries and super intelligent sperm (I specifically asked Mary for highly motivated navigation savvy sperm equipped with egg detecting radar ;) )"

That made me laugh. :)

On better friends than I could ask for

2010-05-14T20:44:00.001-04:00

So my amazing friend of nine years, Karla, is pregnant for a second time. She is a fantastic mother and I'm not just saying that because I'm biased. That woman needs to have a dozen children. Just to improve the gene pool.

Karla's been my closest ally in this infertility nonsense. She's the one I call every time anything fertility related happens or is planned. Apparently she listened patiently to me go ON AND ON last month about "Maybe I'm pregnant? Why am I late???" while about 6 weeks pregnant herself. And she didn't choose that moment to tell me her news. She was all about me and my maybe-baby? drama. She's always in tears over what I write on this blog. Could be the hormones though. ;)

Karla and Rob are buds, which I think is pretty unique. But they couldn't really NOT be buds because they're like the same person. Only obviously, Rob is a boy and Karla is a girl. They share the same impassioned political views, career aspirations, and neither shies away from heavy discussions.

So a couple of weeks ago, apparently Karla called Rob to figure out how to tell me she's pregnant. She didn't want to upset me, and was unsure on the email vs. phone front. And Rob likes Karla enough that he waited to let her tell me. Via phone. Typically I prefer email, just so you know, world. But this case was an exception. Rob was right, I would have been bummed to get a mass email.

I knew they'd been trying for a few months, so I was prepared, which helps. I of course, jumped up and down and got all the details, but after hanging up had one of those defining infertility moments.

Do you remember when all your friends starting getting engaged/married? And you counted them down one by one? And you hoped you'd one day be among the happily married types, but regardless, at least in a year or two everyone would be paired off and you wouldn't have to go to any more bridal showers? I didn't get engaged/married too far behind most of my friends, but there was a year or so when I was looking forward to the end of white fluff and diamonds.

Babies aren't like that. Round two begins. About six months ago I joked that I hoped we'd be pregnant before all my friends started having their second or third child. My uterus is not on the same schedule as my brain.

At least this round I know all the infertile tricks.
a) Attend as few baby showers as possible. Those events are like infertile concentration camps.
b) If you must attend a baby shower try to find someone without children or motherly aspirations to hang out with. If you're the only one, pray there's wine.
c) Gift Cards. The gift that doesn't involve crying into your shopping cart or panic attacks in the baby aisle. And Babies R Us will even ship it to you. I'll gladly pay $5 for sanity. I'd pay more than that, but don't tell Babies R Us.

Anyways, back to Karla. When she called Rob for the strategery conference, Rob said something about how I was just as devastated this past month as I was every month before that, but he thought I'd be in a better place about all this now because we're finally getting real shots each month. To which Karla responded {something like}, "Well you're a guy. You measure time in how many shots you've had. Sarah measures time in how many negative pregnancy tests she's taken."

And she's totally right.

But I'd never thought of it that way. This is why it's important to have friends like Karla.

Now if only I could talk myself out of taking pregnancy tests.

:)

2010-05-12T21:33:00.000-04:00

What kind of bees make milk?

BOO-bees!!!

{te-hee!}

Beep! Beep!

2010-05-11T18:35:00.000-04:00

You could drive a semi through my fallopian tubes. They're awesomely clean. :)

HSG was today. And I just want to put this out there, internet: IT WAS EASY! I didn't get ANY cramping while the procedure was going on. I mean, it wasn't exactly comfortable, but it wasn't bad! They had me take two Tylenol and two Ibuprofen an hour before the procedure. I hadn't taken ibuprofen in months, so taking two ibuprofen is probably my pain-relief equivalent of taking Darvocet. ;)

Rob was allowed to be in the room with me, which was nice. I was ready to grab his hand if I started hurting, but it didn't, so he got to devote his full leopard-print-wearing attention to the x-ray screen. As the dye was traveling through and out of my fallopian tubes, Rob said, "This is so cool! I'm sorry it sucks for you, but this is SO COOL!"

"Leopard-print wearing??" you ask? Why, yes. The lead vest in Rob's size was flamboyant leopard print. That made me feel so much better... about the test... and life in general. ;)

Our x-ray tech was about 6 months pregnant. Rob and I didn't have a moment alone to discuss our feelings on the irony there, but we had a telepathic conversation with some eye rolls and eyebrow pointing while she was fiddling with the x-ray machine. I love that you know what I'm thinking, babe. {what a B! How dare she be pregnant!!}

Dr. Steingold repeatedly apologised that this was going to be a "crampy" test and probably somewhat painful. He gave me lots of warning before inserting the needle thing and then the dye. I don't know if it was because my heart was racing because I was expecting pain, or if it was the ibuprofen, but it was fine! I took two big deep breaths and it was over! Preggers and Dr. S kept looking at me like I was crazy for not being in pain, but I was totally ok.

And most importantly, I HAVE NICE CLEAN TUBES!!! Get to it, Ovaries!

I'm the teeniest bit crampy right now, but I think two more ibuprofen and I'll be set. Maybe I just don't have any nerve endings in my uterus. Won't that be nice when I start popping out the babies?
{haha}

Positive Thinking

2010-05-10T21:46:00.000-04:00

HSG tomorrow. Woo!

We're planning a trip to the Florida Keys in the early fall. We're going to lay in the sun and apply copious sunscreen, and go snorkeling. Hopefully not in a nasty oil spill... So based on the fact that we're going to be spending TWO WEEKS at two beaches this summer, it was decided that I needed two new swimsuits. Actually, because I want you to be jealous of my catch of a husband, Rob stalked the Vicky's ad for months to watch for their swimsuit sale, and then insisted that I buy not one, but two swimsuits.

(I have absolutely no delusions that I will look anything like these chicas,

nor would I ever go shopping for flowers in my skimpy bikini... but whatever)

Hear that, fate? I just spent $70 on skimpy swimwear. Please spite me by making me too fat to wear it! ;)

Oh, and to ensure that I will stop dramatically yelling, "WHYYYYY?!?!" at the blogo'sphere, I scheduled another counseling appointment. Sorry about the drama. I'm better now.

so THERE!

2010-05-07T22:25:00.000-04:00

Is how I wish I had felt after sweetly mentioning to that meany-pants drug rep that he was being very slightly inconsiderate.

(My mom reads this blog. I try to be a good daughter and not swear in print on the interwebs. But that first sentence was more colorful at first... insert colorful adjectives of your choosing).

I was really nice about it, I walked up to him when he was alone and said nicely, "So, I know you don't know this, and you didn't mean anything by it, but... I'm infertile and so are some other people in this office. So you might want to... tone it down.... a bit."

He was almost unapologetic. He said sorry, but he said it the way a three year old says it. No facial expression, scurrying away while repeating sorry. Lame. Is what I think. Of him.

I debated saying anything. And I'm glad I did because I don't want him wandering around out there like that. At the rate he was going, he was destined to be punched in the face by some other hormonally challenged chica. But it wasn't rewarding.And I think I'll skip it next time.

I then had FOUR PREGNANT PATIENTS after lunch. And ANOTHER drug rep wished me a happy Mother's Day. Three in one day. Oh. My. Goodness. Gracious.

I came home and sobbed into my husband's shoulder. I hadn't done that in a long time. He has very good shoulders for infertility.

So here I am. On day 3 of my last round of Clomid. And I'm wondering how much more I can take. Rob's ok, but I'm bargaining to myself, "Well, we said after December we'd re-evaluate. But maybe we can take a break after this cycle. But then we'll have done the HSG this month, so we'll want to use my mucus-free tubes. So, ok. Two more rounds. Then maybe a break? Maybe we could just take a break and then have it turn into just. not. trying. any. more."

I'm so done with this. Sorry for being Debbie Downer. The weekend will help.

To end on a more cheerful note... I found a funny infertility blog that does use the swear words and I laughed maniacally out loud for half an hour. I love the title: Maybe If You Just Relax

:::spits coca cola back into cup:::

2010-05-07T12:45:00.000-04:00

We're spoiled, and drug reps bring us lunch every day at work to promote their product. It's really nice, and we're really lucky that they do this.
But today. This drug rep guy. He was showing off pictures of his new baby girl and she was super cute and we talked about how he named her and yadda yadda yadda. Which is fine, I like that kind of small talk. But then he delves into he'd like another kid, but his wife says she's done, blah blah blah. And the rest of his narrative goes something like this,

"But I think I could totally handle another kid. And my wife, she's like, super fertile, and we have NO PROBLEM just getting pregnant on the first try. I mean, some people have to try for, like... A YEAR to get pregnant! I can't imagine! I mean, as a man, you'd be like, 'Why am I so inadequate? Why can't I get my wife pregnant?' and the wife, she'd be like, "Why can't I carry a child in my womb?'. I mean, it's crazy how hard some people have to work to get pregnant! Not us, man, we're fertile!"

And I almost spit my coke back into my cup. My heart was pounding. I considered throwing my plate at him. I'm going to go have a talk with him after people have cleared out of the lunch room. I mean, he obviously doesn't know what he's talking about, nor does he have any idea that there are at least 3 infertile people who work in this office. It's not his fault that he doesn't know. Everyone says stupid things. I've been wished a Happy Mother's day twice today. Maybe I need to wear a button on my white lab coat:

"I'M INFERTILE!"

fulfillment

2010-05-06T18:05:00.000-04:00

I read an interesting interview on the RESOLVE (national infertility support group) website today. This person has chosen to live "Child-free" and was talking about her decision. I liked that she said she fulfilled her nurturing tendencies in the garden. link

That is, of course, not the path we're going down right now, but I am going to throw some shorts on and go pull some weeds.

CD 4: Big Plans

2010-05-04T21:53:00.000-04:00

So we're doing the hysterosalpingogram (HSG) on the 11th to look at my tubes, which, appropriately, is day 11 of my cycle (this month is easy!). And our 6th and final round of Clomid starts tomorrow. Farewell, old friend. I will miss thee and thy cheapness.

Everyone has an aunt or a friend who got pregnant right after doing an HSG. Seriously. I've heard the story 10 times in the past 6 weeks. {Also, everyone has an aunt or a friend who got pregnant when they stopped trying. One day I'm going to find those "We just stopped trying and it happened!" women and duct-tape their lying mouths shut so I don't have to keep hearing that story.}

...Anyways....
down with the anger. Seriously, Sarah, get a grip! ;)

I looked up information on HSGs at work to affirm my theory that everyone is just crazy and doing an HSG doesn't actually improve anyone's fertility, it's just a matter of timing. If you try hard enough for long enough most people end up with a baby, right? But I was wrong! Apparently it does actually improve your fertility for a couple of months after doing it. The "cleans out your tubes" rumor is actually true!

This resulted in a conflict of interest. I really wanted the data to say that everyone was crazy so I wouldn't get all hopeful again. Hope sucks. Which I tried to explain to Rob, who disagreed.

Rob: "No! Hope is good! You need to have hope!
Sarah: "Hope sucks."
Rob: "Hope is a virtue because it's hard and sometimes it doesn't work out."
Sarah: "All times it doesn't work out. Stupid hope."

Yeah, I'm five sometimes.Maybe all times.

Oh, and my beta HCG numbers finally came back. (this is confusing stuff, isn't it? HSG... HCG... thank goodness I'm a medical person!) Not a smidgen of the stuff in my blood. So at least God isn't messing with me and giving me babies for 5 seconds before taking them away.

CD 2: perfect weekend despite the bleeding

2010-05-02T16:15:00.007-04:00

I went to visit my friends Corey & Megan in Fairfax this weekend. It was nice to get out of Richmond, especially since I was an emotional disaster on Friday. Megan always calms me down. We had good conversation, good food, good wine, a tear-jerker girly movie, and I got to hang out with my "nephew" and godson, William (The Conqueror). One-and-a-half year-olds are a lot of fun.

Have I mentioned before, my theory on "emotional laxatives"? I find that if I'm really upset over something (usually fertility related because I don't have that much drama in my life, thank goodness), the best way to cleanse the system is the use of an "emotional laxative". Thus enter:

SO good. And if you can get through that movie without at least 3 tissues, you are a heartless brick. Megan and I have hearts three sizes too big. So she sniffled; I tried not to sob out loud because there was a boy (Corey) in the room. ;) And this morning, despite the crazy bleeding (Good job, Uterus! Way to make some super cushy endometrial lining) I am a sane person again.

I discovered this concoction:

Which is a-w-e-s-o-m-e. Hello, Mocha Frappe, I love you. And you probably have 2000 calories, but you are now Sarah's Official Caffeinated Beverage of Cycle Day 1. (that's the day your period arrives, for all you non-charting folks)

My blood test results will come in tomorrow. Weekends, with their lack of lab personnel, really cramp my infertility style. It doesn't really matter for this cycle, but it would be good to know if the reason I was late was because of a very very early miscarriage. That happens a LOT to people and they usually never know that it happened. If I did have any Beta-HCG in my system that would mean that, a: My left fallopian tube isn't blocked, and b: there is hope!

Regardless, this month I'm going to ask Dr. Steingold if we should do an HSG (hysterosalpingogram?) at this point. It's a test where they take pictures of your uterus and fallopian tubes after inserting some dye. I've never had any abdominal surgery or STDs or any reason to have blocked tubes. So last November when we were still figuring out how to make me ovulate, Dr. Steingold said that the HSG wasn't something to worry about yet. It's expensive and mildly uncomfortable, but it's a common test, and it is rumored to sort of "clean out" your system even if you don't have any blockages. It'd be good to make sure the eggs can make it all the way down my tubes. I don't really want to do it, mostly because I'm tired of being poked and prodded, and I'm tired of spending money on my uterus, but I figure I should ask.

And finally, the last infertility update... someone up there wants me to look into foster parenting. Or I'm paranoid. But I swear foster parenting is following me around. And I don't really know much about it. So that's a project I'm going to work on: learn the details of foster parenting. The thought keeps occurring to me, "Is it selfish to try so hard to use my own genes when there are so many foster kids without parents?"

spotting

2010-04-30T08:09:00.000-04:00

So oh well.
But that was a hell of a luteal phase, so I guess that's good.

15 dpo: Rebel Patient

2010-04-29T21:48:00.002-04:00

So. Still no period. Still no second pink line. Still ouchy boobs.
So. I called Dr. Steingold's office to see what to do and to gently suggest that we test my blood so my husband and I can stop going crazy.
And the nurse said "No. Just wait one week and then if you still don't have your period, pee on another stick."

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!?!? WAIT ANOTHER WEEK??? ARE YOU INSANE???

But she wouldn't budge. So I did what any rational person with a medical degree would do. I ordered my own damn blood test! I had it drawn at work, and I'll find out tomorrow whether or not we have a zygote.
TOMORROW is better than NEXT WEEK.

And so I prayed, "Dear God... if I'm going to get my period could you please hurry up and give it to me so I'll know what to expect tomorrow? I know you're busy and all... but I'd really appreciate it. Love you. Amen."

The Real Deal: Still Negative

2010-04-28T11:18:00.001-04:00

So I think we're just waiting around for my period to show up. Thanks for all the enthusiasm and support though. Love you guys.

14 dpo... still nothing

2010-04-28T08:08:00.002-04:00

Rob thinks the cheapo ebay "100 pregnancy tests for $20" that I bought last year are crap and we have to go buy "real pregnancy tests that don't have Chinese text on them" today. My period started on day 14 once... a long time ago, so I'm trying not to get overly enthusiastic. However, my inbox was full of enthusiastic email from friends and family (and family who are friends) this morning, so maybe we do need "real" pregnancy tests.

First I need new glasses so I don't have to hold my face 5 inches from the computer screen while typing. ;)

The crazy is catching...

2010-04-27T20:33:00.002-04:00

I had a very busy day at work today and wasn't able to call home the 2-3 times that I usually do. {I'm needy like that.} Busy days have been few and far between lately. Maybe we should stop vaccinating people so our family practice would see more patients. ;)

I finally looked at my cell phone around 3 pm, and got a surprisingly anxious message from Rob, "Um... so I haven't heard from you today and that hardly ever happens... so... anyways... just wanted to check in... guess you must be having a busy day... um... ok... loveyoubye!" I then had to run off to see a patient, so I didn't call back. He's not a worrier, I figured he'd be ok.

Or so I thought... I called on my way home at 5, and a totally stressed-out Rob answered the phone...

Rob: ARE YOU OK????
Sarah: Um. Yeah... just a busy day, are you ok?
Rob: Well... I got all worried that maybe I hadn't heard from you because you got your period and were all depressed. And then I got all crazy and thought, well maybe you took a pregnancy test at work... and maybe it was positive and you didn't want to tell me over the phone...

{(??? {I don't take those things to work! Has my husband lost it?} ???}

...and then I couldn't remember if I said that you had to tell me immediately over the phone or in person if you got a positive test when I wasn't there... and... well... {sigh}
Sarah: {Laughing hysterically} Babe, I'm ok. No period. No pregnancy tests. Calm down.

I love that my normally uber-rational husband caught the crazy.
Watch out! Don't follow this blog too closely! You might catch it too!
{They don't have vaccinations for that}

13 dpo: reporting from the trenches

2010-04-27T07:33:00.000-04:00

13 days past ovulation and I'm reporting... that I have nothing to report. Which is good! Sort of. Except that I'm overhydrating at work so I can go pee every hour and make sure that my period hasn't arrived.

No second line on the morning pregnancy tests. Not even if I squint at the stick while holding it 5 millimeters from my eyeballs. ;)

My boobs kind of hurt (you wanted to know that). But I think my boobs always kind of hurt around this time of the month. I'm writing this down for posterity. So if we have to try again next month I will know.
SARAH: YOUR BOOBS ALWAYS KIND OF HURT AROUND 12 DPO.

I had terrible, miserable reflux yesterday. But I think that was the barbecue chicken at lunch. It was kind of gross.

I was kind of (really) crazy last weekend. Like... my husband sent me to the grocery store for toothpicks because I was f-r-e-a-k-i-n-g out over the prosciutto purses we were making for a party and he knew he'd be much more effective if I wasn't hovering. (He was right.) However, I blame the crazy on the front door being an embarrassing shade of yellow and the weather guys lying to me for the entire weekend that it was going to rain. On Sunday I informed the internet weathermen that they sucked and painted anyways. I then felt much better.

So I usually get my period at work somewhere around day 12-14. Which, by the way, Uterus... is super mean of you. Because then the universe sends me some happy, gloating, glowing pregnant patient and I have to try really hard not to hate her. Note to self: Don't glow too much if you ever do get pregnant. Just because you're the only infertile person left in your social circles does not mean you're the only infertile person left on the planet.

Totally irrational but persistent worries.

2010-04-24T22:51:00.001-04:00

Most of the time I ignore the worried infertility voices in my head, but they talk to me a lot.
Just this week, here are a few examples:

1) standing anywhere near the microwave (are my ovaries getting irradiated?)

2) drinking wine (1.5 glasses all month. Tonight. Because if something implanted it's already implanted by now.)

3) Consuming any type of caffeine: eating chocolate, my two sips of diet coke, craving that mocha

4) Taking any pill other than my prenatal vitamin

- benadryl/claritin: "I'm drowning in allergies, but will this dry up my cervical mucus?"

- ibuprofen: "My foot is inflamed from climbing ladders to paint, and I can't walk very well,

but I think I read somewhere once that this may inhibit ovulation...yeah... not worth it."

(I haven't taken ibuprofen in months)

5) Enjoying a heating pad on my feet while reading in bed, "Hey Rob, can you Google whether or not it's ok to expose a potential blastocyst to this electromagnetic field? (Google says it is)"

6) The heated seats in my car: "My rear end is freezing... but if I'm not supposed to be in a hot tub, do heated seats count?"

All you need is love

2010-04-21T18:27:00.000-04:00

About one year ago there were lots of bad emotions swirling around inside of me because of our inability to make a baby. I felt alone, hopeless, sad, broken, cheated, angry. I cried A LOT. I hated having to take pills to ovulate and having to research, chart, and plan. I haaaated pregnant people, mothers who complained about their children, and I was angry with God.

And now, another year later... still no baby {that we know of, of course}, but I feel human again. Counseling, of course, helped. Having an awesomely supportive husband helped. But I'm so grateful that we live in a time when I can talk about this. I can't imagine going through this even just 30 years ago when no one discussed the pain and hurt of infertility. People tell me all the time that they wished they'd never told anyone they were trying, because of the constant fertility inquiries. But I wouldn't have made it through this in one piece if everyone in my life didn't know that I was dealing with this. I've never regretted telling anyone.

In the past few months I've been overwhelmed by the number of people that have told me they're praying for us or thinking about us. My sister-in-law prays the rosary for us every time we do IUI. We're in my super-manly-Pile-Driver's-Union-member Uncle's nightly prayers. We were put on the prayer list at the National Mormon Temple. My Grandmother-in-law sent me a prayer card for St. Gerard, the patron Saint of Motherhood. Heck, we even have a sweetheart in Australia whom I've never actually met rooting for us. I'm constantly surprised by how much thought people have put into our situation. And how strongly people want us to be parents. I feel surrounded and supported by love.

Thank you.

CRAZY!!

2010-04-18T20:27:00.000-04:00

Have you read this? Wikipedia's article on implantation? This is some crazy stuff!!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Implantation

HOW does anyone ever get pregnant???

Dos Huevos!

2010-04-14T16:24:00.000-04:00

TWO EGGS!!! Both on the left. Think happy "swim left!!!" thoughts.

aaaand... the part that REALLY makes my day: TWENTY SEVEN MILLION POST-WASH SPERM!!!!!

compared with last month's one egg and 5 million post-wash sperm. Really I wanted to jump off the table and bear-hug Dr. Steingold. I high-fived my husband and congratulated him on a job well done.

IUI was surprisingly chill today. We joked about Dr. Steingold making the top of the "Top Docs of Richmond" list. Then we announced that today we were going on a date... only in reverse because the insemination happened before the movie and then we're going to dinner. ...which made Dr. Steingold and his nurse laugh.

After IUI, we went to see "Date Night" which was hilarious and exactly what we wanted. And now we wait for two weeks. And Rob & I will joke about twins a lot. Thank you for all your happy & encouraging comments today. You guys are awesome. :)

11:20

2010-04-14T10:25:00.000-04:00

...is go time. YAY!!!

Rob called to inform me that there was a minor incident with sperm collection this morning. Some of the commandos may have escaped. When I got home I may or may not have shaken him by the shoulders while yelling/laughing, "SERIOUSLY?!?!?". But then I hugged and kissed him to make up for it. Poor guy. We didn't need those deserters anyways.

I once read a story that someone's husband missed the cup entirely, but then scooped his men off the floor and into the cup. They actually ended up pregnant that round. He didn't tell his wife until she was thoroughly knocked up. :)

So we're going to go get sperminated and then go watch a matinee. "Date Night" I think. Good timing, eggs. Way to show up on my day off. :)

SMILEY FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-04-14T07:59:00.001-04:00

Day 20: Smiley face

Have I mentioned that infertility makes you crazy? ;)

A note to Self... this is what the lines on a positive digital ovulation predictor look like:

That's right, Self. Those two lines look NOTHING alike. So... Self... if you have to do this again next month DON'T LOOK AT THE LINES!!!

So IUI either today or tomorrow. We'll find out around 9am.
Happy thoughts, prayers, and/or animal sacrifices are encouraged. ;)
{except our cat... Robert. Sacrificing Alice would not help.)

Day 19

2010-04-13T07:28:00.000-04:00

No smiley face. So no eggs. Maybe tomorrow?

But my test lines have just gotten lighter every day since day 12 (when I started testing). (I know you're not supposed to look at them when you're doing a digital test, but I'm nosy). I think I remember Dr. Steingold saying after day 20 any eggs would be no good. I'll call to ask.

So that sucks. But maybe tomorrow?

Don'cha think?

2010-04-12T07:32:00.000-04:00

My husband won't kiss me because we're not allowed to fool around in the days leading up to (hopefully) ovulation and IUI.

Now, THAT, Ms. Morissette, is ironic. ;)

Zen and the Art of Ovarian Maintenance

2010-04-09T07:25:00.000-04:00

I spent several teenage years dating a poor excuse for a human being. To this day, I actually can't have a conversation about the young man without rolling my eyes. One year, he bought a motorcycle... which I was adamantly against... but for Christmas, as a peace offering I gave him the book, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance". I thought it was a funny title. This dude ::insert eye roll here::: read the book cover to cover and promptly broke up with me so he could "find himself" on the open road. ...Really?! Sayonara! (I wish I could say the drama ended there. Thank God I met Rob.)

So I've been feeling very "Zen" this month. I think I've finally decided that God is in charge and I have nothing to do with whether or not we get pregnant. It's quite freeing, really. Yesterday I had half a glass of wine, and in previous months there would be an internal downward, self-depreciating spiral. "I shouldn't have this glass of wine/cup of mocha/tv marathon/hopeless thoughts/hopeful thoughts/exhausting home improvement project... because it might affect ovulation..."

It's so easy to second guess your every action when you want a baby this badly. But, Really?? Did I really think that my actions would in any way prohibit a baby from being made if God wants a baby to be made? I am not all powerful. I can't magically create life in my uterus. Even if I scrunched my eyes and fists, concentrated really hard, and held my breath for 30 days, the result would be no different if this isn't the month that it's supposed to happen. Other than taking my pills and showing up for IUI, I have nothing to do with it!

So I'm breaking up with infertility. For now. I'm sure I'll be a hot mess the day I get my period. But that's life. Disappointment is allowed. Downward, self-depreciating spiral? Not allowed.

Poof!

2010-04-01T21:56:00.000-04:00

:::ring:::ring:::

Sarah: "Hi! This is Sarah. I'm Dr. Steingold's patient, and I'm on 150 mg Clomid this month... and as I was popping the Clomid out of it's little foil wrap last night, one dropped down the drain of the sink. And it's ok, because I had enough left to take one of tonight's pills last night. But... um, I was wondering if maybe you guys could call in one Clomid pill for me?"

Nurse {trying not to laugh}: Ok. So you need ONE Clomid pill?

Sarah: Um... Yes.
::hangs head in shame at lack of dexterity somehow being an obstacle for pregnancy:::

Nurse: We'll do it!

Tonight I closed the toilet lid, stopped up the sink, and v-e-r-y c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y unwrapped my Clomid. All three down the hatch safely. Gold Star for me. ;)

Thangs4sale2

2010-03-31T08:41:00.000-04:00

I just bought 20 ovulation predictor tests from the ebay seller: "thangs4sale2".

We may end up with hillbilly babies.

Ladies & Gentlemen, place your bets!

2010-03-28T22:12:00.000-04:00

{while shopping at CVS this morning}

Sarah: Should we get the 100 prenatal vitamins for $10 or 300 for $20?
Rob: Let's be optimistic. Get the 100!

Most OBs in Richmond want their pregnant people on fancy prescription prenatal vitamins, so here's hoping I shouldn't have bought the ONE YEAR supply of OTC prenatal vitamins...

I encounter this dilemma quite often. At least once a month, the drugstore forces me to choose between optimism and pessimism. Last month I choose the optimistic (and cheaper) route. Ovulation tests were on sale at Walgreens and I had a coupon. Not a good coupon, but a (pretty rare) coupon. And I had to choose... 20 ovulation predictors (about 3 months supply) for $40-something or 7 for slightly less than $20.
...And now I wish I'd bought the big box. ;)

I've often wondered if God watches me debate this in the drugstore. Last month I thought, "Ok, God. I'm going out on a limb and being optimistic for the first time in a long time. 7 sticks it is! Will optimism get me a baby?"

But drugstore decisions have no cosmic impact.
Nor does: optimism, pessimism, distraction, obsession, praying every hour, pretending not to care, eating whatever I want, eating healthfully, exercising regularly, relaxing regularly, consuming alcohol and caffeine, avoiding alcohol and caffeine, napping, vacationing, working hard, taking too many pregnancy tests, waiting until the last second to test.

I've tried it all, and I'm slowly concluding that I actually have nothing to do with whether or not we get pregnant. Other than taking my pills, testing at the right time, and showing up for IUI... I might as well be a fertility robot. What I'm feeling or thinking or doing... or trying to think or feel or do does not have impact.

I need to learn to have patience. I've never been good at patience. I like being in control of things. I'm a firm believer in working hard to get what you want, but in this case I need to learn to let go.

... and I need to buy in bulk so there are fewer trips to the drugstore. ;)

bad '80s inspirational mu-zak

2010-03-26T06:44:00.000-04:00

So yesterday morning as I'm dragging my feet to work, I'm still a little bummed out by the recent uterine happenings. I turn my car on and....

"SHINE! SHINE! hushhush, IUI!"

blares at me from the radio.

{fast forward to 1:14)

Probably the least inspired song... ever, and while the lyrics are actually "eye-to-eye", I doubt I'll ever stop hearing them as "IUI". But I laughed out loud in my car and called Rob from the driveway. It's always good to get a pep-talk from your radio first thing in the morning.

No crying over spilt eggs

2010-03-24T16:36:00.000-04:00

It didn't work. Period today, another round of Clomid and IUI this month.
::sigh:::
But at least it's a gorgeous day outside, and I can have a margarita and spray paint guilt-free tonight.
Thank you for your prayers & good thoughts. They've meant a lot to me.

Bizarre Dream

2010-03-21T15:30:00.000-04:00

I had the most bizarre dream last night that my three siblings-in-law, Rob & I all went to India for Mardi Gras. I had to drive my Honda through a river to get to the airport in time, then I met them in India at this CRAZY street fair. My sister-in-law, Caroline dragged me over to this voodoo fortune-teller woman.

The woman had me stick my tongue out so she could give me a fertility blessing. She massaged my tongue & said some spell. It was weird. She then gave me some pennies, dimes, and a potion to rub on my tongue every day.

My brother-in-law, Stephen & I took a tiny car with two giant elephants riding in the back to our hotel to get $5 to give her for the potion & blessing. For some reason, I had to walk back to the street fair.

On the way back, Stephen told me that he'd adopted a child from Zimbabwe several years ago and had been sending the kid money every week... but that I wasn't allowed to tell anyone, especially his wife, Caroline. He told me that he didn't think I'd ever get pregnant, and that I should start sending a Zimbabwean child money, too.

Thanks, Dream-Stephen. ;) Hopefully the voodoo lady's spells are good ones.

Unexpected Pep Talk

2010-03-20T11:19:00.000-04:00

A kind-of friend asked me last Friday why I was so dressed up. "Kind-of" because she's technically the practice's patient, but through some very intense medical and social adventures, she and I have bonded a bit. And at all her follow ups she tells me stories about her son, and shows me pictures. I oo and ahh.

As a rule I hardly ever share anything about myself with patients. I don't want them to focus on me, I want to pay attention to what they're telling me. And most of the time the only personal question I get is: "Did you have your baby???" or, "You look GREAT for just having had a baby!!". {And you're thinking... ???}
One of the other PAs in our practice looks very similar to me. We're about the same age, and she just had her second baby in January. Patients who don't see the PAs often have trouble keeping us straight.

So this patient maybe-friend person was oo-ing and ahh-ing over my fancy outfit. (navy J Crew suit-skirt with a box pleat ruffle in the back, high heels, and a bright green cardigan). She joked that maybe I had a hot date with my husband tonight and sang a line of "bow-chicka-wow-wow". I laughed, hesitated, and then since her appointment was over, and I knew she'd gone through a hell of a time with infertility treatments, I told her that we were doing IUI for the first time that day. And I dress up when I get nervous.

She got so excited for me. Which was SO what I needed. And after she wished me luck, I did the thing I always do when people wish me luck.

I tried to minimize the intensity of the situation by saying,

"Well, you know, ::shrug::: We'll see!"

and she stopped, got all serious, and said,

"No! Not '::shrug:: We'll see!'.

OWN IT!

You are GOING to be a mother, you just don't know by what means!"

Then she told me I needed to gain a lot of weight if we decide to adopt because foreign countries like the fat Americans better than skinny Americans. :)

So I've been trying to combat the anxiety of the two-week-wait with "OWN IT!!!". Which is some of the best advice I've gotten.

Filters

2010-03-18T18:25:00.000-04:00

There's a stand up routine (by Chris Rock maybe?) in which the comedian declares,

"I wish I could press 'avoid ghetto' on my GPS!"

I think about that one a lot. I agree. I wish there was an "avoid ghetto" button on my GPS.

Google should come up with a filter function for Google Reader. You'd think it'd be pretty easy to get Google to filter out title words of your choice. Mine would be "Pregnancy, Bump, Babies, Nursery". And I'd have them all filter into a separate folder to be read on that glorious day that I get to join the Mommy Club. I want to read these posts, but I can only handle the details of their nurseries or pregnancies every so often without feeling inadequate.

I have a chick-lit book titled, "The Bright Side of Disaster" that I bought when we first started trying 2 years ago. The book jacket outlines it as: this chick who gets knocked up by her loser boyfriend, then he leaves, and she somehow manages to turn that into a good thing. I know I'd love it if I were a normal, fertile person, but it collects dust on the shelf for now.

I hid our copy of "Happiest Baby on the Block" (which I read & memorized cover to cover 2 years ago), and the "40,000 Baby Names" book that my friend encouragingly let me borrow 2 years ago.

I bought a very billowy shirt & an expandable A-line winter coat 2 years ago with the thought, "Oh! I can wear this when I get pregnant!" and I now only grudgingly wear them if I'm absolutely desperate.

One of my coworkers came in to my office this morning with the assertion that I had to take a pregnancy test today because last night she dreamed that I took a positive test. It was really sweet of her, and she was being very nice... .not invasive or anything. But I then spent the next 5 minutes explaining that I can't take a test today because it will be negative regardless. I know with ultrasound confirmation that I ovulated 7 days ago. Pregnancy tests can't possibly turn up positive until at least 10 days post ovulation and I'm not allowed to test until day 14 anyways because I have a pregnancy test addiction. "But you never know!" she insisted.

Yes.
I do.

I know more about what is going on in my uterus right now than any person should ever know about any bodily organ. My every third thought is, "maybe I'm pregnant?".
I have gas pain. "Maybe that's implantation!"
The Lenten color is purple. "That was our IUI color!"
I want a beer. "I'm totally irrational and would blame having a beer on not being pregnant in 1 week"
The tangelo tree is blooming like crazy. "Maybe it's a sign!"
My boobs don't hurt. My face isn't breaking out. "Well, crap!"
One of our nurses that is famous for calling everyone's pregnancies with her pickle cravings passed on the pickles at lunch today. "Come on, Debbie! Eat some pickles!!"

Infertility is like the worst mind game ever. It changes your perspective on everything. Oh, to be footloose and fertile. ;)

GO TEAM PURPLE!!

2010-03-15T21:15:00.000-04:00

IUI went well. It was ridiculously easy... like... that can't have just cost $400 dollars easy.

We did another ultrasound first to make sure that the egg was still there, and the follicle had actually burst! So there was an egg floating down my fallopian tube at the same time we did IUI. {Yes!}

So a quick run down of the process: Rob brings in his little men to be washed and pampered. The lab weeds out the looser sperm so only elite sperm get to go to the sperm spa. At the sperm spa, the macho sperm get to bathe in yummy (to sperm) juices and get pumped to go find some eggs.
I'm pretty sure they show motivational videos.
Rob is given a card with a piece of colored tape. He's then supposed to inform me of our color.
We were purple.
GO TEAM PURPLE!

...Which is what I cheered while Dr. Steingold was drawing team purple up into his syringe thingy.
He said... "What??"
{Dr. Steingold doesn't get my sense of humor. He also thinks it's weird that the folder containing my ovulation charts is labeled "Ovulation Adventures" in big bold letters.}

So IUI was easy. Pap smears are more uncomfortable than IUI. It was totally not a big deal and it didn't hurt a bit. I had Rob hold my hand because I felt like I should have some contact with my husband while being sperminated. Dr. Steingold looked worried. He spends a lot of time looking worried. I reassured him that it didn't hurt a bit and that I was fine.I wiggled my toes a lot. If you wiggle your toes it's impossible to get too uncomfortable in the vagina area. Plus I feel kind of stupid for wiggling my toes, so my brain focuses on "I hope he's not noticing that I'm wiggling my toes...".

I asked Dr. Steingold when I should test and he said 14 days after today.
I said ok.
And Rob made fun of me for taking too many pregnancy tests every month.
Yes. My name is Sarah and I have a pregnancy test addiction. I bought 100 on Ebay for $10, so I can pee on them whenever I want. I like knowing what's going on in my uterus.

In Rob's defense, he's never really had to be in the room with speculums and stirrups. So a (really) lame and ill-timed joke may be defensible. But only that once. In the future, the general rule is: stirrups out, doting husband demeanor on.

Then I was supposed to lay there for 5 minutes... but they forgot about us, so 45 minutes, one thorough explanation of the rules {don't make fun of your wife while her feet are in the stirrups}, one apologetic husband, and then some hugging later, I had Rob go hunt our nurse down to ask if I could get up.

Dr. Steingold apologized for forgetting about us. At least the guy is honest. I reassured him that I was just very thoroughly inseminated. ;)

So think happy purple thoughts. And thanks for all your prayers. I love you guys!

Ducks, Geese, and Turkey Basters

2010-03-11T20:34:00.000-05:00

WE HAVE AN EGG!!!

I got a smiley face this AM, and went in for a ultrasound + post-coital test. The ultrasound was good, the post-coital test was unhelpful (it's sort of like the SATs for fertility... if there's no sperm it doesn't count. If there are sperm it's good).

So we're doing IUI tomorrow. We have a date with a tiny turkey baster tomorrow afternoon. I'm trying to be happy and go-with-the-flow about it. I mean, we have SO MUCH to be happy about this month (sperm, AND an egg, AND stretchy mucus ALL AT ONCE! That was, after all, my birthday wish!), but I think a little part of me is still grieving the loss of the hope that I could one day toss my hair and say: "Oh, it just happened when we weren't trying at all! It was just meant to be!".

I kept repeating to myself, "Who CARES how the baby is made... it's just important THAT a baby is made!" But really, I do care how the baby is made. I just don't care about that more than I care THAT a baby is made.

I thank God every day that Rob is staying home now. Because he gets to come with me to all of our appointments, and he's going to hold my hand through IUI tomorrow.

Please pray for us.

Duck, Duck, Goose

2010-03-11T03:25:00.000-05:00

{ring, ring}
Rob: Hello?
Dr. Steingold's nurse: Hi Rob! Just wanted to let you know your test came out fine!
Rob: What?? Really?!
Dr. Steingold's nurse: Yup! Nothing to worry about!
Rob: Um. Could you give me some more details, because last time I did this test in December I had like 1 million sperm...
Dr. Steingold's nurse {flipping through the chart}: Oh! Well that is a big difference! You have 15 million sperm on this count, which is technically below the normal limits, but you have 12 million motile, viable sperm, which is within the normal limits and that's what we're really looking for.
Rob: WOW! THANKS!!

That's my interpretation of a conversation that I only heard half of at the time. I heard half of it while hugging myself and staring laser beams at my husband trying to interpret the inflection in his voice. Halfway through I did Thumbs UP? Thumbs DOWN? motions, at which he scowled and waved me away. Impatient? Yes.

When I finally did hear the happy news high fives were had all around. I congratulated Rob's testicles on their efforts. Yes. I have conversations with both Rob's testicles and my ovaries. Infertility makes you crazy.

Speaking of crazy... it's 3 am and I'm blogging. Why? Well because I had to pee at 2 am and today is day 19 so I took ANOTHER {negative} ovulation test. But I ache in the right ovarian area and I have stretchy mucus so... What gives, Ovaries? I'll take another one later today.

And lastly... more evidence that I may have gone off the deep end. My tangelo tree... the one that my parents bought when I was two, and is taller than me, and lives in my living room... is blooming. This is a rare occurrence, but it happened last January when I first started taking fertility drugs. No fruit resulted from those blooms, despite my Q-tip fertilization efforts. No babies either, obviously. So now I'm taking my ovulation tests, and pollinating my tangelo tree... maybe some tangelo-fruit... or some baby-fruit... will result.

Obsessed

2010-03-07T22:20:00.000-05:00

I'm totally obsessed with my ovaries this week. There's been a lot of counting cycle days in my head.
I'm a whiz at period math.
And it's not really my fault that I can't let go of the "Ov-u-late! Ov-u-late!" cheerleaders in my head. Clomid is giving me random mild hot flashes this month.
Not bad ones... just hello... I'm sweating for absolutely no reason...
So if I were trying to "just relax and let it happen" {which I don't believe in, of course}, that's not really an option when you're randomly breaking into a sweat.
But it's exciting and refreshing to be trying again. This is the week I should ovulate. Wednesday or Thursday, to be precise. Wednesday we hear about Rob's swimmers.
Tomorrow is also my birthday.

Dear God,

Lots of sperm and a couple of eggs would be a good birthday present.

A zygote would be even better.

Hint. Hint.

Love,

Sarah

It's never, NEVER occurred to me that I might be getting old. And it's ridiculous to think that 27 is old at all. Because it's young in real life. But in infertility land... 27 is a hurrythefreakupandmakethosebabies birthday. Several years ago, I thought those women who could hear their ovarian clocks ticking were crazy. Crazy! Making babies is easy, right? ;)

Right.

Thank goodness we started trying at 25!

Clomid!

2010-02-24T17:32:00.000-05:00

So today we went to Dr. Steingold's office for a look at my good old uter(us).
{"...but Marge, it's uterUS, not uterYOU!"}

Things are good. I congratulated my ovaries and my uterus for looking like they were supposed to at this part of my cycle. Out loud. In front of Dr. Steingold and Rob. Because I want them to feel the love and sometimes I don't think the three of us (me, my uterus, and my ovaries) communicate very well. ;)

I get to start Clomid again tonight (!!!!). Rob will do a sperm count next week, and then I'll do another ultrasound with a post-coital test when I hopefully ovulate around day 19. We're going to hope and pray that there are LOTS OF COMMANDOS this month and we don't have to do IUI. But we'll see. I guess if we conceived that way our kid would be less creeped out when he asks how babies are made. {"You see, Junior, when a husband and wife love each other very much, the wife takes lots of pills, and the doctor takes a turkey baster...")

It was actually a pretty fun visit with Dr. Steingold. There was joking and smiling instead of SarahTryingNotToCry. I love counseling. Dr. S joked that "Well, you're in your 20's. We still have THIRTEEN YEARS to get you pregnant!" When I reminded him that I'm in my late 20's, he said, "Well, you ARE being very stingy with those eggs!"

So there's time. Our friend's kids might be in high school before we get pregnant... but one day.

Good Morning Sunshine...

2010-02-24T08:16:00.000-05:00

I had a crazy dream last night. Crazy. Like... wake up panicking: "OHCRAP, DID THAT REALLY HAPPEN???"

First to catch you up on my non-Ovulation Adventure this month... this was another month in the waiting game for sperm production... so no Clomid, no ovulation tests, no "trying". And for whatever reason, I bled for 20 out of 26 days this month. So since the urologist thinks Rob's commandos will be back in action in early March, now would be a good time to get back on Clomid and finally shoo Aunt Flo away. However, since I've had wimpy bleeding all month, we need to do an ultrasound today to see if my uterine lining is in the right stage to start Clomid.

Last night I drempt that I was going in for an endometrial (uterine lining) ablation to stop the bleeding. This cardiologist who was going to do the procedure, assured me that this would improve my fertility. So he had me inhale some methadone (??) to make me loopy and then told me to change into my patient apparel. Well. While loopy on methadone I decided that I was hungry. So I sneaked out of the hospital and drove myself to McDonalds in a thin hospital gown and pants. While ordering, I encountered several blog friends (whom I've never met in real life) and they were going to undergo the same procedure! We all went back to the hospital to wait for our turn, but while waiting some of the methadone wore off and I foggily realized... YOU CAN'T GET PREGNANT AFTER AN ENDOMETRIAL ABLATION!! I ran up to the billing/front desk lady and frantically asked to be let out of the procedure... but they said no.. I'd already paid for it and I was too loopy on methodone to make any medical decisions, so I had to do it. Ahhh!

Fortunately, I woke up before anything happened to my who-ha or it's friends. Maybe I should call Dr. Steingold's office to make sure no one's going to fry my uterine lining today? ;)

Method to the Madness

2010-02-21T21:41:00.000-05:00

So there's probably (hopefully) not a good cosmic reason why we haven't gotten pregnant. I don't think there's a reason why God would see me unfit for motherhood. But two more of my (responsible and, in my eyes, deserving) friends have been blessed this month with two pretty pink lines on their pee sticks, which always gets me a little selfishly teary (just a little). Hopefully God is not keeping a tally of the number of times my heart has asked, "WHY NOT ME??" (and hopefully I'm asking for forgiveness enough to keep up). I need to start running with the post-menopausal crowd.

But to look on the bright side, Rob and I compiled a list of good things that have come with our infertility adventures:

1) We discovered that my work pays in full for my & my family's medical insurance. Though a misunderstanding at my hire date, the medical insurance offered by Rob's company looked cheaper on paper, so we had been paying for that for 2 years. When Rob was "resigned" and I looked deeper into my company's medical insurance plan, we discovered the happy news. Now when we do have small children running around, insuring them won't break the bank. "Free" is always better.

2) I forgot my (pregnancy category C... but necessary if you can't breathe) asthma medicine when we went to Philadelphia and have been off of it for two weeks now with no problems! But I'm keeping note of my peak flows twice a day... don't worry, Mom!

3) I went to counseling and now have MUCH better control of my emotions & thought processes.

4) Since Rob was "resigned", we now know beyond a doubt that we CAN survive quite happily on my income alone. Our quality of life has improved dramatically. We feel more happy and calm than we have, well... ever.

5) Our house gets prettier with each pregnancy announcement: The board & batten in the dining room, the yellow hall, and the paint in the office were each spurred by other people's pregnancies. If I'm obsessed with my nest, it's probably because someone else is knocked up. ;)

So... any post-menopausal ladies out there in need of a friend? I'm all yours! ;)

A Collection of Good Quotes

2010-02-15T21:00:00.000-05:00

I've been mentally collecting these for a while now.
Sometimes good advice can even come from a gangster movie:

Don't wait for it to happen, don't even want it to happen - just watch what does happen.

Sean Connery, The Untouchables

God is our refuge and strength, and ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea

Psalm 46:1-2 (thank you, longbrakeliving)

"Perseverance is a great element of success. If you knock long enough and loud enough at the gate, you are sure to wake up somebody."
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the Courage to change the things I can,

and the Wisdom to know the difference.
Amen

"Even miracles take a little time..."

The Fairy Godmother, Cinderella

Foster Care Commercial

2010-02-05T20:46:00.000-05:00

Have you heard those foster care commercials on the radio?

My...

I know I'm a baby-crazed, hormonally challenged woman who'd give her right arm to make a baby and I'M who they're targeting... but those damn commercials ...!

On Monday morning, as I'm driving to work on top of snow and ice and trying not to die and praying not to crash into a ditch... that stupid commercial came on the radio (again!). And I'm driving across the Huguenot Bridge which is barely two lanes to begin with and then you add all that snow on the side of the road so it leads me to wonder if there actually IS enough room on the bridge for me + opposing traffic + snow-berms.

And I CERTAINLY am not going to take both hands off the wheel or both eyes off the road to change the channel. So I listen to the VERY SMARTLY WRITTEN commercial while trying not to die... and I totally start to tear up. WHILE DRIVING ACROSS THE BRIDGE. Really, Sarah. Maybe you should not have the radio on (even quietly) in this situation next time. Maybe you should just not turn the radio on until all the foster care children are adopted. Or MAYBE the RADIO STATION should not play the foster care commercial in icy conditions!! I should call them and complain. ;)

Those mean old advertising execs have me pinned from all corners with these children and their sad little voices about how of course:

a) now is the right time!

b) GOD wants me to do this!

c) You have plenty of money & space & love!

Ok. Seriously, God? You can't just let me attempt to use my own genes in peace? I'm going to ignore this and those sneaky little radio commercials for now. I'm acknowledging the hint, and I'm going to continue beating my head against the Clomid wall. Maybe you should have the foster care people do another barrage of commercials in the fall if 6 months of Clomid leads to no babies...

New Cocktail

2010-01-30T22:12:00.000-05:00

Mid-cycle spotting? Try this fun cocktail:

1/2 cup cranberry juice cocktail

1/2 cup diet sprite

dollop of peach schnapps

It probably won't improve your uterine lining, but it's pink, and it's tasty! ;)

Spotting today reminded me that just as I have neglected all baby-making endeavors for the past month and a half, I've also neglected this blog. So... an update!

We're still "not trying". We're waiting until the end of February and then we'll do another roll call for the commandos. (I've taste-tested the above cocktail, so if that didn't make sense... we're doing another semen analysis.) Rob went to see the urologist 2 weeks ago.

The urologist agreed with our theory that the swine flu killed off the commandos. (Two points for us!) He also reviewed Rob's original pre-swine flu semen analysis... the 13 million sperm one... and was very impressed with the quality of Rob's troops. In fact, he said that if we didn't want to bother with IUI, we didn't need to. He said that Rob had the same number of good, functional sperm that you'd see in a "normal" count. Rob's commandos don't mess around. He doesn't waste time making cannon-fodder sperm that chase their own tails. He only makes highly trained, special-ops sperm!

Not needing to do IUI was a huge relief for me. Call me old fashioned, but I really hate the idea of making a baby with my feet in some cold stirrups. And I know... no human life would be made while I'm lying there on the exam table... it'd happen many hours later while I was washing my hair... or watching Jersey Shore reruns... or blowing my nose. Also romantic...

So if we don't make a baby in March, April, or May, maybe we'll reconsider IUI. Or, then again, May is usually when prom is held...

Hopefully I'll be back with some GOOD test results in February.

A Sure-Fire Way to Improve your Fertility

2010-01-23T05:26:00.000-05:00

So. In a bizarre series of events this week, my husband was forced to resign from his job in favor of taking the last class to complete his undergraduate degree... and then was ultimately denied entrance into said class. I'll spare you all the details, because there are too many and really, it doesn't matter.

Before you get all worried for us, let me quickly say that I think this might be a blessing in disguise. Financially, we're totally ok. Our budget is planned around my income alone so that Rob can stay home with our future bambinos. There will be less eating out, fewer impromptu vacations, and more thrift store shopping, but there is still fun-money in the budget, and I honestly don't think we'll miss Rob's income.

Yeah, we were bummed for about a day, but a calm has now settled on our household. Rob loves being "house husband". He held this position for six months when we were first married, and he's good at it. The man can clip coupons and find grocery store bargains like no other, and now he has time to actually do it. He has time to work on our home renovations. He wants to start a vegetable garden. He's actually gotten pretty good at cleaning. And he can cook. Man, can he cook. He's worked hard at this new job, but he's still happy and relaxed. And it's a whole lot easier to be happy and relaxed when your spouse is glowing with it.

I think this might improve our fertility. Our friends have repeatedly lamented that if Rob and I were unemployed and smoking crack I'd get knocked up in a heartbeat. ;) So I'll pass on the drugs, and I'd like to keep my job, but we'll experiment with this situation for awhile.

Calm Eyebrows

2010-01-12T19:41:00.000-05:00

I remember the exact nap that was the last perfect sleep that I had for several years. It was a 10 minute nap between classes my freshman year of college. I actually hurried back to my dorm to take a 10 minute nap. In the first few months of my freshman year, I had the awesome ability to close my eyes, turn my brain off, and sleep sweet dreamless sleep whenever I wanted to. How good I had it...

Then suddenly, I started grinding my teeth at night. I had terrible headaches and a creaky jaw. When I asked my dentist what I could do about this he said:
"Well, what are you going to be when you grow up?"
and I proudly replied: "A Physician Assistant in family practice!"
and he told me there was no hope. I'd be stressed out and grinding my teeth every night forever.
hmm.

So I got a nightguard. I'm a nerd at night. ;) My teeth were happy and the headaches went away, but I sucked at sleeping for the next 7 years.

But then 2 weeks ago my counselor asked how I was sleeping. I told her I was a terrible sleeper and she gave me a guided imagery CD: Healthful Sleep by Belleruth Naparstek.
And I thought to myself, "Oh dear. She's run out of useful ideas." but tried to appear convincing when I said I'd give it a go.
In the first few minutes of listening, I thought:

"This lady's voice is weird."
"This is retarded."
"Why am I doing this?"
"Rob is totally going to make fun of me."
"Crap! Can he hear this???" (takes ear bud out to listen to the outside world)
"...Ok. I don't think he can hear this. Just don't say anything too stupid, lady."

and then I gave in to the power of the tea
(or imagery. whatever.)
(I heart Zoolander.)
And I slept like a rock. Every time I listened to it. Sometimes without even grinding my teeth! ...and Rob gets better sleep because his bed-mate is no longer in need of an exorcism.

The best part for me is the progressive relaxation segment in the beginning. She has you pay attention to the muscles in your scalp, forehead, and eyebrows, telling them to relax. And then down the major muscles in your body.

And you know what? My furrowed eyebrows were keeping me awake!

I told Rob this last night and he laughed, saying he wasn't surprised. He told me it's because I'm always focused:
"You think: Ok! It's time to sleep! ::furrows eyebrows in concentration and balls up fists:: Fall asleep right now!"

Anyways, you can get some of the meditations for free here. I've only listened to the sleep one, but there are other meditations too! Cancer, childbirth, surviving the holidays... you name it, we can meditate you through it!

Distraction

2010-01-03T16:40:00.000-05:00

I've been assigned some homework. I'm supposed to come up with a list of happy things to do the day I get my period. So here goes:

If it's a work-day:
1) Starbucks run in the AM
2) Escape the office for lunch
3) bring along a waiting room magazine for lunch
4) have no qualms about ripping out inspirational design ideas
5) Pancakes & mimosas for dinner
6) Movie before bed (Bruno? Julie&Julia? The Hangover? The Proposal?)

If it's a weekend (very slight changes):
1) Barnes & Noble for mocha & magazine
2) Lunch date with Rob at Mexico Restaurant
3) Finally explore the beautiful shops at Libbie Rd. & Grove Ave.
4) Pancakes & mimosas for dinner

Anger Management

2010-01-01T09:09:00.000-05:00

Hello, my name is Sarah and I'm really pissed off that I'm not pregnant!

I'm working on embracing anger. For whatever reason, I have trouble allowing myself to feel angry about infertility. I immediately compare myself to the starving children in Africa or nonsmokers with lung cancer. But in order to deal with infertility I need to accept that I'm ALLOWED to be angry.

In the words of my counselor:
"If someone robbed your house, would you have a right to be angry?"

Of course!

Infertility took away my cheerful vision of where I wanted to be today or next year or in 10 years. And that's more than annoying, that's something to be angry about!

It is not fair that other people can get pregnant by breathing near their spouses! It's not fair that crack-whore teenagers get pregnant left and right! Totally unprepared people get pregnant all the time and here we are: two well educated, married, upper middle class people with a good house and empty rooms! I've been taking prenatal vitamins for TWO YEARS! We started trying to conceive at the supposed peak of our fertility! I had prenatal blood work done before even going off the pill! We go to church every Sunday! We have a GREAT plan for childcare: Rob is going to stay home with the kids! Does it get better than this?!?

WE DESERVE A FREAKING CART-FULL OF BABIES!!!

(and my logical mind is whispering: "but life isn't fair and it doesn't work like that."
...I know, stupid logical mind, that's not the point of the exercise.)

So, when I feel so moved, I am supposed to listen to LOUD ANGRY classical music. I'm supposed to take a sledgehammer to the bathroom walls (the one that's being demolished so it's ok). I'm supposed to make ANGRY pie charts or journal with lots of bad words in ALL CAPITAL LETTERS!!

After that first counseling appointment, I was still sniffling when I plopped myself into the driver's seat. I turned up the radio and encountered LOUD ANGRY violins. NPR was featuring a composer who (in my mind) had clearly had trouble in the baby making department. Surprised laughter filled the car. I felt my soul swell with justifiable anger. No more tears were had on that drive home.

I feel like some pie...

2009-12-31T20:38:00.000-05:00

I discovered in counseling that the reason I become a tearful mess more often than I'd like is twofold:
a) I suck at feeling angry. When I get angry, on some level I immediately feel guilty or upset with myself for being angry and there go the waterworks...
or
b) I bottle emotions up to save for later. And then later happens to be at an inconvenient time. Always.

We'll deal with part A next time, but part B is more fun. The answer is pie.

My palate prefers chocolate pie:

credit

...but my emotional well-being has found that pausing for 30 milliseconds and making a mental pie chart of how I'm feeling throughout the day keeps the tears at bay.
("a pie chart a day keeps the tears away"?)

An example of how I'm feeling right now:
Ok. So clearly nothing too dramatic is going on right now. But in about 10 days when I will probably get my period, my pie charts will look like this:

Put the Lime in the Coconut

2009-12-29T20:08:00.000-05:00

As per Dr. Steingold's nervous recommendation when I burst into tears in his office, I've been getting my head examined every two weeks.

Ok. I'm not supposed to use self-depreciating phrases. Even if I think they're funny.
Let's rephrase: I've been going to counseling.

And I think it's actually helping!

Infertility SUCKS. Especially if you are one of those girls: the ones who burst into tears instead of expressing anger, fear, frustration, or sadness. Unfortunately, infertility includes all of those emotions.

I grudgingly agreed to go to counseling with these two goals in mind:
1) Stop crying.
2) Stop hoping so damn much every month.

And while my counselor declined my request for a partial lobotomy, she has given me some REALLY useful tools. I'm going to share some of these with you in future posts so that
a) I remember them and remember to use them,
and
b) They're pretty useful tools for any tough situation.

Dazed and Confused

2009-12-27T10:35:00.000-05:00

So.
Supposedly I have lazy ovaries that don't like to do their thing until day 30. And ovulating on day 30 is like trying to bail the Titanic out with a bucket. There's no point. I have MONTHS of documentation that I don't naturally ovulate until day 30.

However! Last cycle, 150mg of Clomid threw the lazy bastards into action and they produced two eggs at day 19! Hurrah!

This month we're "not trying" because we're waiting for Rob's swimmers to recover from the swine flu. So I didn't bother with Clomid or ovulation tests or any of that nonsense.

Somehow taking a break made me more depressed. (Aren't breaks supposed to improve your life?). I think it was just bad timing with Christmas and families and lots of babies... again, not that I don't love those babies - miracle and otherwise- but you know. The angst. Woe is me. ;) I so need to get over myself.

So yesterday evening I encountered some crazy cervical mucus. Crazy. Like stretch 4 inches crazy. Since I knew it was fairly early in this cycle and for me cervical mucus is not a day 19 phenomenon... why not... I took an ovulation test.
And this popped up on the ovulation test screen:

credit

ok. no it didn't. That was how my brain interpreted this:
And I looked at my current, very neglected and dusty chart and it said: day 19.

What?!?

So I asked my husband-slash-stand-in-reproductive-endocrinologist what he thought. And after I explained the situation 3 times while waving a pee stick at him for emphasis, he had this thought:
"I don't know... maybe last month's Clomid was a chemical bitch-slap and now your ovaries know what to do?"

Maybe. I try not to give them too much credit. We'll see what happens next month.

Hello! (Post #1)

2009-12-24T08:38:00.000-05:00

This is a spin-off blog from FiveCamels. I plan on keeping all my infertility adventures here. I felt like I was ambushing my FiveCamels readers with too many infertility posts, when the intention of FiveCamels was to document the happy, fluffy parts of my life (decorating, girly stuff, i-love-marriage, etc.). I kept picturing my readers happily clicking on the FiveCamels link only to be smacked with notes on sperm count and ovaries. Poor readers!

So I'll be moving the previous infertility related posts from FiveCamels over here and when I have future angsty things to write about sperm or eggs... this will be a good outlet. I wonder if that will give me a PG-13 rating? ;)

Big Talk

2009-12-23T07:18:00.000-05:00

The other day we had one of those big talks in infertility land.

The:

"How long are we going to keep doing this?"
"How far are we going to go with this?"
"What do we feel comfortable with?"
"Should we think about adoption?"

talk.

We've actually become very good communicators by going through all this. So I guess that's a silver lining. (?)
And at the end of it Rob's summary was: "Ok. Good talk. Go Team!!" (::fistbump::)
I love my husband.

Ovulation Adventures

Katherine Isabella

But if you try sometimes, you just might find...

Don't Worry!

Psalm 30: 15-16

Committee for Pissed-Off Infertile Chicks?

Beer Pong and Fertility Meds

50 ways to leave your RE

Pink spots of DOOM!

Throwing Hot Rocks

Hissy Fit

Longest. Post. Ever.

Row, Row, Row Your Boat...

Meet Felicity...

ONE! Singular Sensation...

The crazy is (seriously) catching...

That Burger King guy really had it coming...

Tippy toe

How to Take Tiny Baby Making Pills

Don't tell Anthem... My Boobs Are Fine

Confession

Day 42: Peach Schnapps without guilt

Another One Bites the Dust

Island Adventures

well, that's never happened before...

My ovaries like beer... and houseguests

Red Dresses, Disneyworld, Nascar, and Illegal Drugs

Le-go my eggs-o

Stretchy Mucus GALORE!!

Estrogen

Stomach Bug Enlightenment

High Five

::Small Eruption of Laughter from the Bathroom::

"The things we'll do if we can't have kids" - A List

YES!! THAT'S what I feel!

This will make my Mother In Law proud...

tata IUI, hello post menopausal hormones

14 dpo: spotting

Two weeks of fun!

Obvs....

Rule Breaker

June 6th: Pee-day

Peeks into Parenthood

How to spell

Two Weeks OF FUN!!!

Check!

PEOPLE EGGS!!!

Goose Eggs

This will make you feel better...

I wonder what Mary thought of that...

On better friends than I could ask for

:)

Beep! Beep!

Positive Thinking

so THERE!

:::spits coca cola back into cup:::

fulfillment

CD 4: Big Plans

CD 2: perfect weekend despite the bleeding

spotting

15 dpo: Rebel Patient

The Real Deal: Still Negative

14 dpo... still nothing

The crazy is catching...

13 dpo: reporting from the trenches

Totally irrational but persistent worries.

All you need is love

CRAZY!!

Dos Huevos!

11:20

SMILEY FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Day 19

Don'cha think?

Zen and the Art of Ovarian Maintenance

*Poof!*

Thangs4sale2

Ladies & Gentlemen, place your bets!

bad '80s inspirational mu-zak

No crying over spilt eggs

Bizarre Dream

Poof!